A separation or divorce among parents is a particularly difficult period for children. It is important that they feel loved by both parents despite the changes that occur. Some children react to it in a natural way whilst others may feel confused and sad and have difficulty in coping with the transition. We spoke to Dr. Giselle Dass, Child and Adolescent Psychologist and Founding Director of CAFS ( Child Adolescent and Family Services) Sri Lanka.

Q At what stage should the parents tell the children about an impending separation/divorce?
While it is ideal to talk about any changes as soon as possible to ensure the child isn’t left confused with what’s happening in the family unit, it is also important for parents to ensure they have age-appropriate conversations with the child and first discuss amongst themselves what and how they will talk to their child about this. It is important that both parents are on the same page and do not provide contradicting information to the child or try to convince the child that one parent is the fault or cause of the separation/divorce. It might also be best to think about having this conversation together so that the child doesn’t feel they need to take sides and to ensure you minimise any confusion.

Q how important is it for both parents to tell them that they love them and will be there for them through this difficult process?
Yes, this is very important and to also ensure that regardless of what happened between the parents they will always remain the father and mother to the child.

Q Isn't it also important that the adults avoid blaming each other and any negative feelings they may have about each other?
Yes, as mentioned in my first answer.

Q How important is it to maintain routines such as going to school, meal times and bedtimes?
It is important to ensure the child has minimum changes/disruption to their life during the separation/divorce. Once again, this is why it is important for parents to discuss and agree upon this ahead to minimise any confusion for the child and to also help them cope with these changes.

Q Whilst the children may feel confused, angry and sad should the parents tell them that they can talk to them about their feelings?
Yes, this is important regardless of parents going through a separation/divorce. It is always important to build a relationship where your child feels they can come to you with whatever it is they are going through. When parents are going through a separation/divorce it is also important to demonstrate that as the child’s parents you are working together and that whatever confusion or emotions the child may have they can come to either one or both of you to talk about it.

Q how important is it for the parents to listen to their children and allow them to speak and ask questions?
Of course. Again, regardless of whether parents going through a separation or divorce, it is important for them to build a relationship where the child feels they can openly speak and ask questions about anything from their parents. It is important as parents to ensure you provide age-appropriate responses to any questions that may arise and that you validate any feelings spoken about.

Q What about taking the children for counselling- is it advisable?
 Separation/divorce can be a very overwhelming time for the couple and therefore sometimes it might be challenging to come to an agreement of how to navigate through the child while you’re trying to navigate through your own feelings and emotions. In such instances, it might be helpful to have a third party such as a counsellor who doesn’t have any personal agendas to also provide some insight into how to best navigate through the situation.

By Kshalini Nonis