Sri Lankans are great people - renowned for being helpful, courteous and conscientious. That is, unless they're behind the wheel. 

Driving in Sri Lanka is not for the faint-hearted. Many have tried - and failed - to conquer our streets and come out alive. Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration. But it's still close enough. Which is why you would do well to heed the wise words of Professor Moody (who was, long story short, actually Barty Crouch Jr) from Harry Potter - “constant vigilance” - while on our roads because that will probably save your life. All it takes is averting your eyes for a split second before some halfwit driving maniacally sends your vehicle careening into oncoming traffic. 

Because “challenge accepted” is how we do things here, our roads are still suffocatingly packed with daredevils terrorising their fellow thoughtful and decent drivers - i.e. us - who have been reduced to venting our frustrations on the popular Facebook page “Sri Lankan Traffic Violations”. The page is constantly inundated with flustered drivers naming and shaming offenders and jerks populating our roads, with many captions cleverly seasoned with unadulterated sarcasm, wit and anger. 

Which is why we think Sri Lankan driving tours should be a thing. No, not the ones where you get driven around while you take in the sights. We're thinking adventure based - where daring tourists can prove their mettle and survive the streets of Lanka while dodging the bullies and bad boys of our roads. Why this kind of tourism is not offered still baffles us, to be honest. We have absolutely no doubt it will be a huge hit (pun intended). 

Without further ado, here are a few tongue-in-cheek “need to know” facts when driving in Sri Lanka - for the uninitiated. 

Disclaimer: We’re not generalising (who are we kidding, we kinda sorta definitely are :/). We’re just giving you the worst case scenario :P Read at your own risk - with a pinch of salt, of course! 

“Mind Readers Anonymous”. 

Our roads are where members of “mind readers anonymous” - i.e. all of us - gather. It's pretty cool actually; you drive while simultaneously reading the minds of every driver within - and out of - your sight. As we all know, signalling is sooo last year. Especially considering us Sri Lankans share such strong bonds of brotherhood and sisterhood that we possess this sixth sense to know that the car on our right wants to merge into our lane. Too bad if you don't. 

Left is the new right. 

Although the concept of signalling does not apply to our roads, there are a minority who actually do signal. Only, they signal left while turning right - with tuk tuks being the biggest offenders. Besides, we’ll also signal once we've already cut across and barged into your lane. As a thank you, of course. You should know that, obviously, unless you're a loser who can't keep up with the latest driving trends. In which case you probably shouldn't be on the road, to begin with! 

Rules are meant to be broken. 

Which is why, among many other things, traffic signals mean absolutely nothing to us. Call us colourblind, but red and amber are actually green. And cops? What cops? Besides, they're busy setting examples in rule breaking 101. 

Survival of the rowdiest. 

Busses, tuks and bikes are constantly trying to run over each other and the rest of us folk, who have our diligence to thank for still being alive. It truly is a dog-eat-dog world out there. A world in which safety is just a myth. 

Ignorance and stupidity are a handicap. Apparently. 

We're guessing it's more ignorance than stupidity at the moment, but the number of vehicles claiming the handicap parking spot is shocking. And sad. While we are aware that not all handicap manifests physically and can be “seen”, we’re pretty sure the “gentleman” who just ignored the many vacant spots and went straight for the handicap one was just being lazy and inconsiderate. 

No parking spots? No problem. 

Life's too short to be driving around looking for parking spots! So we park wherever we want, like the middle of the road, maybe. Or on pavements. And no parking spots. And in front of entrances. We’ll even take up two parking spots, just to be safe. YOLO (you only live once). 

Lane driving is for wimps. 

Us Sri Lankans like to have our cake and eat it too. Which is why we’ll straddle two lanes without a care in the world regarding all the vehicles we've blocked and the subsequent traffic we caused. 

Life is a game. 

At least, driving is. Popular game GTA (Grand Theft Auto) has led many to treat our roads as a simulated gaming experience. Without the “grand theft” part. Actually, there’s still theft - of our basic road rights (like “right of way”. Ever heard of that?), of our patience. The list goes on. And on. And on. 

It’s also an audition. 

Ever since Paul Walker's untimely demise, it seems like many of us Lankans are hoping to fill his role in the fast and the furious franchise, driving as if a casting agent might spot our prowess behind the wheel and offer us an instant role. We can dream a little, right? 

To post pictures or videos of traffic violations visit: www.facebook.com/srilankantrafficviolations 

By Rihaab Mowlana 
Photographs courtesy of Sri Lankan Traffic Violations