'Dr. Pat’s Sex Clinic'

 

 

For the next few weeks, I want to discuss some questions that teenagers have asked me. Some of the questions are more relevant to teen girls and others to teen boys. But all questions raise important issues. Read them all whether you are a girl or a boy. These and many other issues of teenage are explored in the book.

So, if you have a teenage son or daughter, or maybe are a teenager yourself, then write to me with your questions and I’ll attempt to answer them in the column.

 

[Girls] Does using a tampon, athletics, hurdling or cycling make me lose my virginity?

 

 

Firstly what is a virgin? It’s anyone who has not had sexual intercourse. This could be a male of a female and of any age. So, the only way you can ‘lose your virginity’ is by having sexual intercourse. 

The idea that using a tampon or engaging in an activity such as riding a bicycle can in some way affect your virginity comes from the expectation that the hymen (the thin membrane that lies at the entry of the vagina) will be torn by this process. The same can be said of masturbation.

Most girls who self-stimulate themselves to sexual satisfaction (called an orgasm) do so by touching the clitoris (a sensitive button like structure in front part of the female vulva). This will have no effect on your vaginal opening or your hymen.

In some cultures, there is an expectation that the girl will bleed at first intercourse, and thus prove her virginity. It is considered a sign of honour to the family. This used to be the practice in some parts of Sri Lanka, where the blood stained sheet had to be produced the morning after the wedding as proof of virginity.

When I practiced in Colombo as a sex therapist (22 years ago), I have counselled couples distraught that they hadn’t been able to produce the “evidence” in spite of never having had sex before marriage. In some countries this expectation has led women to request genital surgery to “restore” virginity, or repair the hymen.

The fact is that the hymen naturally breaks down as a girl reaches puberty. In some girls tags of tissue remain and these girls may bleed on first intercourse. On the other hand they may not. Research tells us that less than 50% of women bleed at first intercourse.  The demand for blood as proof of virginity is cruel, even barbaric.

There is another side to this. It assumes that the girl has to “prove” her virginity or purity. What about the boy? Who checks his virginity? Does it even matter?

Ideally, both the boy and the girl should go into marriage not having had sexual intercourse before. Sex is something special. It is an act of the deepest sexual and bodily intimacy. This is why it is best kept for marriage. However, the reality is that in a significant proportion of teenagers are sexually active. In Australia researchers tell us that up to 50% of girls and boys in senior classes in school have had sexual intercourse. What do you think? Is it different in Sri Lanka?

 

Why are we discussing this?

Firstly, expecting the girl to be a virgin and prove her purity on the wedding night while the boy is exempted is a sign of a sexual double standard. This is cultural expectation that is unhealthy for the relationship. A marriage is one where trust and sharing are important. It is a relationship where a boy and a girl accept their roles as different and complementary in home duties and in the bedroom.

Secondly, if one or both have had sexual activity before marriage (it doesn’t need to be intercourse, it could even be oral sex), they could have a sexually transmitted infection (STI). You can have some of these like Chlamydia infection and have no symptoms. You will however pass it on when you have sex.

You can understand that virginity is not a state of the hymen, and definitely not evidenced by bleeding on first intercourse. Rather it is behaviour that says that you will wait till you are married and then have wonderful sex with that one man or women.

 

 

Please send any questions you have to [email protected]. I will answer these as best I can.

PATRICIA WEERAKOON IS A MEDICAL DOCTOR TURNED SEXOLOGIST AND WRITER BASED IN SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA