12 Things We Learned Playing Kim K’s Video Game
While the rest of you were busy ditching your new year resolutions, we made valuable use of all that resolution-free hours to try out an app we downloaded against our better judgement - Kim Kardashian : Hollywood. Before you get all judgy on us - you’re guilty of having ditched your new year resolutions less than a week into the year, and us - for trying a game a gazillion years after its release and contributing towards endorsing Kim Kardashian's brand. But that makes us even. So.
Still - we have a “reason” we’d like to offer up as an excuse. Basically, we were satiating our curiosity. The game was widely successful, after all. And obviously, we had to see for ourselves why it was so.
“Join KIM KARDASHIAN on a red carpet adventure in Kim Kardashian: Hollywood! Create your own aspiring celebrity and rise to fame and fortune!” read the game's description. So we prepared to put our first Louboutin clad foot on our way up the social ladder and subsequent rise to A-list status. (Sadly, we were still pretty pathetically cash strapped in the game. And Louboutins, it seemed, were way way out of our price range).
The Kim Kardashian: Hollywood game pretty much started by reminding us of our peasant status.
But while we were teetering on the verge of attaining celebrity status, (we were pretty late jumping on the Kim K: Hollywood game bandwagon as it happens - 1.5 years too late, in fact) the game made the designers and Kim plenty of moolah - it was expected to generate $200 million in annual revenue for Glu Mobile at the time. Let that sink in, fellow peasants.
Now that we got our hands dirty, we’re ready to answer your burning question. Would we continue to climb the social ladder to A list celebrity status with support from Kim K and her celebrity pals? Definitely not. Afterall, there’s only so many times we could incessantly tap on the screen without ending up with numb fingers and dying of eventual boredom. To put it into perspective, we would ONLY resort to the self inflicted torture that is this game if we were paid a million dollars to do so.. Nevertheless, the game did offer a fair share “gems” for pursuers of the Hollywood dream, if we may. Here’s what we learnt about the rise to superstardom after a day of playing Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.
1. Helping Kim K is the stepping stone to your rise as an A lister.
We helped her, and before we knew it, we were already BFFs with Kim K. Just like that. By level 2 (which literally took us less than 4 minutes to get to) she was already calling us and inviting us over to her house in Beverly Hills. So long story short, it all began when we helped Kim pick up a dress and before long she surprised us with our very own photoshoot with Garrett St. Clair who’s apparently a big shot photographer. The rest, they say is history. It was THAT easy!
2. Looking fly all the damn time should be your life’s sole purpose.
“Getting new clothing, cars and homes can increase your star power for love and work”. Yeah, no sh*t. While we could change everything from the colour of our eyes, down to the shape of our chin for free, looking great overall certainly didn't come free or even cheap. The nicer clothes, for example, came at a cost. The flipside was to wear the hideous oversized jumpers and weird looking crop tops that were available for free. But a superstar can NEVER afford to look basic, even is she’s living on the fringe of being broke. So we spent that cash and updated our outfit! Poverty be damned.
3. Money can be found in shrubs by the sidewalk.
And fire hydrants. And birds. And potted plants. And Christmas decor. Seek, and thou shalt receive. If only it were that easy in real life! The cash found in such places barely amounted to anything, but over time it accumulates.
4. ONE photoshoot - and viola - say hello to your first enemy.
We had only just walked out of our very first photoshoot when we encountered - for lack of a better word - a delusional weirdo in the form of Willow Pape. Within a matter of seconds, she was already calling us a stalker and accusing us of flirting with her boyfriend!
5. A photoshoot and an enemy is the starter pack for attracting paps.
Snarky paparazzi Lon Garrera was already harassing us while we were on our way to party with Kim. Turns our enemy Willow had been publicizing the “spat” that we were still scratching our heads about. The paps had caught wind of it and were trying to sensationalize what we’d essentially like to have called a “non story”. But any publicity is good publicity, right?
6. E list is a thing.
Our quick and meteoric ascension to level 4 had us feeling pretty darn good about ourselves, until this kicker. Lo and behold, we had just made the - wait for it - E list!!!! What???
7. Twitter will make or break you.
Ray Powers - the omnipresent celeb blogger with a plethora of “informants” - is constantly tweeting the good, bad and the ugly. Evidently, positive tweets increase your fans, while negative tweets and rumours will result in a reduction of fans, making your rise to stardom that much slower.
8. A good management team is vital.
We were determined to be badass and refuse Kim’s suggestion to use a publicist and resolved to handle the obnoxious Willow Pape ourselves. This ensued in Willow tweeting crap about us, which eventually lead to us losing fans.
Before we knew it, we were asked to go meet our manager Simon Orsik who was a sweet old man, but also a bit clueless and armed with dad jokes galore. Nevertheless, he was instrumental in getting us into editorial photo shoots, fashion shows, ad campaigns and everything in between. We also met publicist Maria who had an idea about how best to handle the Willow situation. Manager and publicist in tow, and before long everything was right in the world. Note to self: ALWAYS listen to Kim K.
9. Finding a date is a piece of cake.
Being BFFs with Kim K comes with a lot of benefits, we learnt. Not only did she frequently shower us with clothes, surprise photoshoots and invites to VIP parties, she also set us up with a date. Albeit a Kanye West lookalike with an abundance of gold chains named Stephen. Such was our determination to cash in on our newfound fame and appease our source of said fame, that we went ahead with the date anyway.
10. News travels at the speed of light.
We had barely gotten past our hello’s before Ray Powers was already tweeting about us. Wedding registry??? Hold your guns, Ray! We were just about to drop Mr. Kanye West doppleganger like a hot potato.
11. Work is exhausting.
Gigs can range anywhere from 1 hour to 12 hours!!! To add to the aggravation, energy takes hella long to be replenished. Which leaves you with two options: wait or spend actual money to buy energy (You can actually buy energy with K stars. But between needing the k stars to not get dumped by your newly acquired boyfriend, for starters, and getting priority on gigs, suddenly, you're left with zero k stars! To buy K stars, you need real money. Go figure :/) . To no one’s surprise, we waited. Because priorities.
12. You need money to make money.
EVERYTHING comes at a cost. You need to buy all those clothes to get noticed. Dating helps you level up and get famous at a swift pace, and we’re all for equality, but we ended up paying for the dates. All the damn time! Should we add that dessert costs $15?? A stray cat we could have picked up for free off the street would have set us back 20 k stars (which is basically the equivalent of a LOT of money) in the game. Daylight robbery or what!
By Rihaab Mowlana
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