Been There Done That - Anita & Kumar 

This week, on our Hindu wedding theme, we spoke to Anita Fonseka and Kumar Sivaraj  who recently got married. Anita was originally from Wennappuwa, Sri Lanka but is now in Melbourne working as an IT Recruitment Consultant. Kumar is from Madurai, South India but is now also working in IT and run cultural programs in Melbourne.

How did you meet?

Anita : We met for the first time at a mutual friend’s housewarming party. We played a game called “truth or dare”. It was my turn to ask Kumar. Everyone else before played safe by saying “truth” but he wanted to take a risk (or show off) and picked “dare”. So my request was to dance like a girl. Then to our shock, he was pulling off some serious Bharatha Natyam moves. Later we found out he used to be a Bharathanatyam dancer back in India. We remained friends for about two and a half years and then later started dating.

Kumar : I never had lot of girls as friends in my younger age, so I always found it uneasy to talk to girls I don’t really know. At that party it was a completely different experience where I found her very easy to get along with which attracted me to her a lot. After her chance with me, one of my best friends had the chance to ask her “truth or dare” and she was asked, “who would you date from this crowd?” and she chose me as I was the tallest among the boys (roughly about 25 boys – feeling very proud). Then we become close friends and the rest is history.

What are some of the traditions you followed at your wedding?

Anita : We had two weddings. I am a Catholic Sri Lankan and Kumar is a Hindu Indian. With regards to the Indian wedding, everything was very new to me. I had never attended a Hindu wedding before. I learnt every Hindu wedding was different due to caste, family traditions and the city they are from. I went to India for the first time to my own wedding. It was a new country, new language and has very different customs.

Kumar : At the engagement function, it is our tradition that the bride's father and groom's father would exchange 9 plates, all together 18, containing things such as fruits, silver, gold, sarees and cosmetics and sweets. Next day we had the wedding function at the same temple where my parents got married 30 years ago. At the temple, priest sang marriage mantras and blessed the Thali in front of God Murugan. He gave us the wedding garlands and we had to exchange them for 3 times.  Then he gave the Thali to my dad, then with his blessings he gave it to me, then I put it on her. While I was tying the knot everyone threw blessed raw rice and flowers on us. It was very emotional for my dad and myself. After that I put sindoor on her forehead. It was a very special moment and she looked just so beautiful. After the wedding at the temple, we came to the reception hall and we were lead by an army of drummers, full of firecrackers and people carrying the engagement plates. After the reception, we went to 4 different temples for blessings. There was an auspicious time for us to walk in to my house. So during that time, she carried 2 silver lamps in to the house and lit them inside the house. The silver lamps represent wellbeing and luck.

Were there any pre- wedding customs or functions?

Anita : The day before the wedding, I had my mehendhi ceremony. They covered my feet and arms with beautiful mehendhi work. The same day we had our engagement ceremony.

Kumar : The day before our engagement, we had a function at our house to lay coconut leaves shed in front of the house. The key part of that function is laying the base for the shed and then we had a big feast for the guests.

Was it hard to plan a wedding while paying respect to the customs and traditions you value?

Anita : Lucky for me, I did not have to be very hands on with the wedding planning. One of the biggest things I had to do was to grow my short hair which I had for almost 5 years and also it was more mentally preparing for the wedding. I knew there will be over 1200 guests  (no pressure.. ) and also I wanted to fit in to the culture. I wore a saree for the first time in my whole life at the engagement which was a bit challenging. Also I learnt a few Tamil words, so I could interact with the guests.

Kumar : Generally speaking it is not very hard to organise a traditional Hindu wedding, as both the bride’s and groom’s family would work together to organise a wedding. With our wedding, it was a bit difficult because Anita is not from India and they are not aware of our customs. We knew Anita’s parents would feel the same while organising the Catholic wedding. We both are very lucky to have parents who are so open minded and are happy to have embraced new customs.

What should you watch out for when planning a wedding?

Anita : One of the best pieces of advice I got before the wedding was “unpredictable things will happen, just remind yourself to just go with the flow and enjoy because it is your day”.  Couples get so stressed and they try to plan every tiny thing and they are so tensed on their own wedding.

Kumar : My parents always say, always predict the unpredictable. We expected 1100 guests according to the invitation count but there was more than 1300 people. We had to make sure they had enough space and food to feed them. Luckily we organised the wedding in my close friend’s hotel. So we could  to talk to him and actually made him order food for extra 300 people at the last minute.

For Indian wedding ceremonies, brides wear so many flowers. We actually found out on the day that Anita was allergic to certain flowers. Her neck got all red and itchy, she was such a brave girl was pulling out her smiley face. We all were very worried, we did not even know which flower or flowers were making her skin go red. Then we decided to put a handkerchief on her neck then the flowers. For these kinda things you cannot be prepared, you just have to come up with a solution and move on.

What was it like to plan a traditional wedding whilst living abroad?

Anita : We both are in Melbourne, so we had one wedding in India then another one in Sri Lanka and two different cultures. Also we planned both weddings only in 5 months. It was a big project for all of us. For both families this was the first wedding which made it even harder. We were lucky to find people who are just so open minded and were up for a challenge. For example, the Indian hair artists almost had a heart attack when they saw my hair which was only up to the neck. Working with a short haircut to do a traditional South Indian hairstyle was not easy especially when they use so many flowers.

Kumar : As Anita said, we had only 5 months to plan both the weddings. I didn’t have much to work on my own traditional wedding other than planning to distribute invitations and booking accommodation for friends, but a Catholic wedding was a new experience for me, as we planned to have the first dance at our reception. It was something I always enjoyed and also the practise sessions with Anita were fantastic.

Most memorable part of your wedding?

Anita : The moment Kumar tied the Thali on me. It was just magical. I had no idea what the priest was saying, but I knew the moment was coming from everyone’s look. They were getting ready to throw flowers at us. Kumar and his parents were getting very emotional, specially his dad.

Kumar : The whole wedding was memorable but the moment I saw Anita in her wedding saree was unforgettable moment. I have never seen her in a saree and jewelleries before. She was so beautiful and looked like a typical local traditional girl.

Photographs courtesy Native Tribe Studios
Interviewed by Panchali Illankoon