What not to say (part 2)
Nov 29 2012.
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The previous article capped up the importance of conversation in social situations with a focus on intimate relationships, and how the structure of certain conversations we hold might cause long standing damage to our relationships.
Here are a few further additions to the types of mistakes people make when talking to their partners who they have achieved a certain level of comfort with.
Mirror Shock
This is a rather common but often unnoticed type of response to an appeal for support. This is best described as the reason why many adolescents and young adults refrain from seeking their parent’s support in times of trouble.
A mirror shock is when the respondent reacts to the situation as strongly or stronger than the person relating the story. An example will be a child who tells his parent about him getting in trouble at school and the parent reacting strongly with a statement like “I can’t believe you did that!” this type of response often makes the individual, in this instance the child feel embarrassed and typically anxious to inform the parents of similar instances in the future.
The Obnoxious
This is possibly one of the most annoying traits any human could have. These type of conversation structures always revolve around one person and is known to be a form of erasing, wherein one partner overpowers the other’s need to express themselves and to seek counsel.
In this particular method of erasing, individuals tend to focus all conversations on themselves which leads to an inability on the other partner’s part to put her/his concerns and anxieties out into the open.
Sarcasm
A sarcastic comeback is one of the worst destroyers of intimacy, because it makes the other partner feel humiliated. The hurt and stinging embarrassment felt from a sarcastic and well-aimed remark can bring the other partner down for the count, and not likely to be intimately available for some time.
If that wounded partner continues to accept sarcasm as a response, he or she is headed for self-destruct, martyrdom, or the nearest exit.Sarcastic personalities are usually modeled after a similar parent. They may even pride themselves on their personal toughness, and use sarcasm to toughen their partners
Irritated
This type of conversation pattern is self explanatory really, one partner is complaining about something that causes him or her distress and the other partner is irritated by the very thought of entertaining his/her issues.
Blindside
A blindside is when a partner takes the side of the antagonist, to be a little more elaborate; imagine a disagreement between your partner and her best friend, if you were to take the best friend’s side, you’re necessarily blindsiding your partner
Intentional blindsiding is when you take the best friend’s side in order to neutralize the situation and accidental blindsiding is when you actually agree with the best friend’s standpoint.
Regardless of the nature of the blindside, a blindside is bound to cause deep emotional resent on your partner’s mind against you, an unnecessary expense, it’s best to stay uninvolved to the maximum possible extent.
Minimal
Minimizing is the act of belittling your partner’s problems in a possibly unfounded attempt to comfort her. The downside to this sort of resolution tactic is the lack of interest you display which might translate as unavailability and disinterest in her problems.
By Dilshan Senaratne
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