They're attractive and successful, yet a growing number of women say they prefer independence to romance. Liberating - or a recipe for loneliness?
Kim Williams is excitedly packing her bags for the trip of a lifetime. It’s not, she admits, the kind of holiday that would be everyone’s cup of tea — an expensive bird-watching trip to the Gambia led by TV wildlife expert Chris Packham.
But that’s irrelevant to Kim: all that matters to her is that the holiday is to her taste. She doesn’t need her choice rubber-stamped by anyone else, least of all by a man.
‘I’m crazy about animals and I’ve always wanted to go on a trip like this,’ explains Kim, 34. ‘I don’t need someone else’s blessing to do it, and I don’t need some boyfriend moaning that he doesn’t want to go, or that I’m leaving him on his own for a couple of weeks. I’m doing what I want to do, and I have no intention of changing tack.’
Stern stuff. But while Kim’s words may sound like they were forged in the blazing flames of bra-burning feminism, that is not the subtext. Nor is the businesswoman, who owns a beauty salon and a cupcake academy, a heartbroken spinster whose defiant words are rooted in despair of ever finding a man.
Kim, who lives on the Wirral, is one of a new and growing breed of ‘forever singles’ — a band of empowered, independent women who don’t want to be defined by a relationship. Not for them nights slumped on the sofa while their man snores in front of Top Gear. Instead they have made a positive commitment to long-term singledom.
There are no mandatory trips to visit the in-laws for them, nor dreary afternoons buying flat-pack bedroom furniture. Being forever single is a lifestyle choice which removes the need for a man from the equation of personal happiness.
The figures speak for themselves, with 73 per cent of women recently surveyed by the Woolwich Building Society having bought their first property on their own, compared to 48 per cent of men — a statistic which suggests today’s independent women don’t wait for Mr Right before making key decisions.
What’s more, according to the Office for National Statistics, fewer people than ever are choosing to get married. The number of 25 to 45-year-old women living alone has doubled over the past two decades, with twice as many single women buying properties as single men.
Kim Williams’ can-do attitude to being single is typical of the breed to which she belongs.
She says: ‘I always laugh when ladies come to my salon to have their nails done, and when I suggest a particular shade of polish, they say, “My husband wouldn’t like that”. Why tolerate that degree of control in your life?
‘I’ve never been maternal and I’ve never wanted children. I opened my salon when I was 23, and now I’m building up my cupcake business. Two years ago I started a degree in psychology and criminology at Liverpool University. I love learning.
‘When I have fun, I want it to be on my terms. My last relationship was a few years ago — it was on and off over a couple of years and I dated other people in between. I realised being in a couple wasn’t for me. My boyfriend never wanted to do the things I want to do, like travelling or going out dancing. I didn’t want to be limited.’
Dedicating herself to the single life doesn’t mean that Kim rejects her innate femininity, but there’s no room for compromise even when it comes to casual dating.
‘Men take an interest in me all the time,’ she says. ‘I met a man in a bar recently and he asked for my number.
‘He was nice-looking and he seemed up for some fun, so I took out my phone and he saw my screen-saver, which is a photograph of my dog. When he said he didn’t like dogs, I thought, “Why bother giving him my number?” So I didn’t.
‘I can’t be bothered with someone who doesn’t like the things I like. Selfish? Maybe, but that’s the harsh reality.’
Being single by choice clearly squashes the theory that a Prince Charming is required for a fulfilled life.
As for becoming mothers? Well, as one committed singleton explains with brutal frankness: ‘The fertility industry is out there if we want to have babies without involving a partner.’
If that sounds a cold-blooded and even irresponsible way to bring a child into the world, then according to experts, today’s modern woman is more emotionally secure because the fear has been taken out of being alone. Bridget Jones’ fear of being left in a cold flat surrounded by cats now looks horribly out-of-date.
Women today are more capable and independent, says Harley Street chartered psychologist Susan Firth. ‘If there is a gap in their life, they don’t want to fill it with a relationship,’ she explains. ‘They fill it with other things, such as exciting hobbies or spending time with friends. They build an emotional support system and they know who to identify for different issues; the friend who is good with work dilemmas, the sister to turn to over emotional issues.
‘As a result, these women don’t feel they need a man, other than maybe for occasional fun dates.’
Having this kind of emotional scaffolding in place frees growing numbers of women from compromising personal goals for the sake of a relationship, giving them the freedom to focus on other ambitions.
Alexa da Silva, 30, a public relations consultant from north London, came to the UK from California five years ago to study marketing at Durham University. In doing so, she waved goodbye to the handsome, successful lawyer boyfriend back home who wanted to marry her.
‘We were engaged, but then the opportunity arose for me to study in England,’ explains Alexa. ‘My fiance gave me an ultimatum — my overseas studies or him.
‘I told him he was being ridiculous, that he should be supporting me, but he didn’t see it that way. I wanted the freedom to follow my ambitions, so I left him.
‘I was excited about my new path in life, I had ambition, and no one was going to quash it.’
So where does this free spirit come from? Is it nature or nurture? There’s no doubt that the erosion of taboos about being single has a great deal to do with it, but Alexa feels she inherited her outlook from her mother.
‘I was brought up by a single mum who taught me that you didn’t need to have a man around. She developed her own skin care range and worked as an estate agent, and I’ve inherited her work ethic.
‘I do 12 to 13-hour days, I might go to the gym on the way home or out for drinks with friends, and when I get back to my lovely flat I can just crash out. I don’t have to make an effort to stay awake for someone else’s small talk, but I’m not a loner. I love people, and I enjoy hanging out with friends.’
Like Kim and many other forever singles, Alexa admits to being the token singleton among her crowd.
‘But most of the time I don’t care. I go on dates — if a man wants to take me out for the evening, have a bit of fun, go to dinner, that’s fine, but I have no desire to look for The One.
‘I’m 30, I’m confident, and I don’t worry about settling down and having kids. A man would have to understand that he would never be the centre of my world. That’s why I’m happy to be single: I don’t want anyone to cramp my style or routine.’
Something else that seems to inspire so many forever singles is not having to be financially accountable to a man. ‘I have a friend who hides expensive buys from her husband,’ Alexa says. ‘She earns money so it’s crazy. If I want something — like the £350 shoes I bought recently — I go ahead and get it.’
Like Alexa, Kim Williams thinks she inherited her penchant for flying solo from her mother. ‘My parents separated ten years ago and Mum is now a much stronger person. She went to beauty school and works in my salon. She has never pushed me to have grandchildren.’
Some women may become forever singles as a result of bruising relationships with selfish men who wanted to keep their partners down. Others seem naturally pre-disposed to the single life, choosing to be alone by design rather than by default.
Holly Smart, 29, a communications and marketing manager from Essex has, with the exception of a two-month relationship, never had a man in her life.
However, that may be rooted not in an inability to find The One, but perhaps in her high standards when it comes to potential partners.
She once dated ten men for a local radio story, going to the same restaurant over ten nights with a different man. Not one of her dates held her interest.
‘I have no desire just to be with someone else so I have a man at my side,’ Holly says. ‘I’ve always been fiercely independent, with a great job and a nice two-bedroom house. I’m not anti-relationships, I just don’t seem to need them in my life.
‘My parents have been together for more than 40 years, but they accept the way I choose to live my life. I’ve just become a volunteer for the Motor Neurone Disease Association, but my career is my priority.
‘I am good at what I do, I work long hours, and I travel widely. It’s not that I don’t find men attractive, but I don’t feel any urgency for them to come into and change my life.’
Holly enjoys the fact that nobody encroaches on her space. She lives alone, and takes great pleasure in decorating her home in a bold and eclectic way — one wall, for example, is decorated entirely with wallpaper samples. She says: ‘As I put the key into my door each evening, it’s lovely not to have to worry about anyone else.
‘Of course there are times when I would like to share things with someone. I went on holiday to Kefalonia with Mum last year and we had a great time — I certainly didn’t sit there wishing I was with a man.’
Holly may want to have a family one day, she says, but only if she meets a man with whom she feels she can take that step. In the meantime, she is relaxed about whether she will ever become a mother.
So can the man-free intentions of these forever singles be sustained in the long-term?
Psychologist Susan Firth offers a word of caution. ‘None of these women should discount the possibility of a relationship.
‘If they’re genuinely happy then great, embrace it, but I would advise them not to behave as if they’re anti-men,’ she says. ‘Ultimately you’ll become abrasive, even defensive, and then you may find that no one will want to be around you. Embrace being a single woman, but keep the light switched on. Who’s to say what might happen in the future?’
As she throws her binoculars and hiking boots into her suitcase, Kim Williams offers a different view.
‘I don’t want to come back after a long day then have to sit down and be supportive to a man about his bad day — because he’ll never want to know about my bad day,’ she says.
‘Being alone doesn’t scare me. Actually, I find it rather thrilling.’
(Daily Mail)
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