Which of the two are you in your relationship? If you’re still looking for an answer or isn’t sure about the answer chances are you’re the reacher.

As wonderful as it would be if the world were sugar coated with endless rainbows and sunshine, the inevitable truth is that reality isn’t always pretty and the reality is that every relationships is guaranteed to have a reacher and a settler. The topic has been on the back of everyone’s mind since its national television “out of the closet” appearance on hit TV series “How I Met Your Mother”, the show contrary to popular notion only brought to light an element of relationship dynamic that’s been around since Eve was created out of Adam’s rib. Granted credit need be given to the show for putting a name to the phenomenon, but the show didn’t do a thorough job of going over the exact nature of things.

Before going into detail the reacher settler syndrome as it has come to be known is essentially a classification under which couples can be categorized. The settler is the superior in the relationship who is implied to be able to settle with someone better than s/he has while the reacher is the luckier one who has scored out of his/her league. The concept isn’t as simple as it sounds though, for starters neither of these positions are ideal ones.

The reacher even though fortunate enough to have hit higher is fated to be in a state of constant insecurity plagued by a distraught feeling of inadequacy not to mention the constant bludgeoning of his/her self esteem. The settler on the other hand faces a completely different dilemma, one which involves dissatisfaction and possible overwhelming temptation to reach higher. The settler also has to deal with the weighing down of his/her self esteem by their partner’s shortcomings.

An important point to note is that this syndrome derives itself from factors that are within our control to the most extent. For example the verdict of who is the settler is given depending on an overall of points scored in a strict criterion. The factor of concern is the demand placed on you by society and the dating world at large. A socially desirable person is more often than not the settler.

The social desirability could be a result of many things ranging from appearance, fashionability, talents, career and charisma. Most if not all factors that lend itself to social desirability are within one’s control. Settling/Reaching is a state of mind and has as much to do with how you view yourself as how others do. 

Typical characteristics of a reacher would involve low self esteem and shy character traits. A lack of personal care and social competence often accompanies these personalities and small restricted social circles are often a given. These individuals neither have substantial talents on display or much career success following them. The aspect that is often unnoticed though is that which involves introverted personalities who rarely showcase their success and are therefore classed as reachers when in reality they are bright personalities undeserving of the thorny crown. A girl I know is a prime example for such people.

Being a college student she’s an exceptionally bright young girl with a stunning depth in her personality which rarely surfaces outside the comfort of her close friend circles. Her shy nature places her in a classification she doesn’t belong in. Such individuals should make a conscious effort to step out of their comfort zones and flaunt what they have to avoid the consequences of being classed a reacher.

Settlers are often good looking bright personalities radiating with confidence who at times seem to know everyone around them on an intimate level. Exceptional social skills and a knack for maintaining appearances is a common trait accompanied by warm and friendly aura enveloping the larger than life figure. An example of a settler is the last person you saw with a horribly complacent date wrapped around his/her arm that begs the question why on earth is s/he with the reacher.

As pleasant as it is to believe that settlers are martyrs who sacrifice themselves in the superficial dating war for true love, most often than not settlers are control freaks or have low self esteem requiring them to play it a little too safe. Settlers are often unsatisfied with their relationships mainly because they themselves realize that their under achieving but are often too scared to move out of their comfort zones. In reality settlers have the more complex puzzle to solve; whether or not they’re willing to sacrifice their future satisfaction in the name of their insecurities.

Regardless of the improvements and conscious attempts every relationship has a reacher and a respective settler, however a truly happy couple will have a lesser disparity between them.