Relationships no matter what their nature is, have a way of hitting a rut every now and again or in some cases never coming out of the gutter for the rest of your life. There’s quite a variety of ways to fix a broken relationship starting from relationship counseling which costs a fortune to divorce cases that costs a bigger fortune.

Before you go down the more troublesome roots maybe you should think about playing the therapist in the safety of the couch at home. With a little practice anyone can think and act like a therapist provided they know the main thinking patterns behind therapeutic techniques.

Patterns not people

As far as relationship patterns go we tend to think in terms of the people involved and not the more important underlying thinking pattern pertaining to those people. Examples of thinking in people terms involve, who started it? Who is to blame? Who is out of his/her mind? These kinds of rationales aren’t very helpful in resolving the situation. The healthier alternative is to think in terms of what led to this situation? Why did s/he do that?

What is the reason for him/her feeling this way? Why are we angry? Thinking on these lines helps to establish a cause and effect reasoning that leads to resolution much quicker than the alternate thinking patterns. The thing to remember is that the pattern is more important than the people involved as long as the problem is dealt with in terms of the pattern there is no reason for things to get personal.

Don’t regress

One of the most common defense mechanisms that lead to fights is regression. Regression is the act of sinking back into a younger state of mind which brings with it juvenile tendencies to indulge in troublesome behavioral patterns.

The first thing to understand before flying into a rage is that winning the fight isn’t necessarily going to help resolve the situation. And as long as you maintain your cool there is no reason for things to get ugly. Remember how your parents treated you when you threw a tantrum as a kid. Ignoring the tantrum almost always leads to the end of the fight. As long as you don’t engage in immature fistfights there’s no chance of a fight occurring.

Problems are rarely what they seem to be

Textbook Freudian rational, is that each behavioral pattern is indicative of a deep-rooted anxiety or worry. Understanding this concept alone will make you a therapist in your own right. Every problem behavior from constant anger to promiscuity or lack of intimacy, stems from a deeper state of unrest that owes itself to a psychological stressor. It’s important to try and determine what the real problem is. There’s a number of ways to do this.

The more complicated way is to analyze your partner’s other behaviors and draw a conclusion from it. But the risk is that untrained individuals run a high risk of arriving at the wrong conclusion and creating bigger problems in the process. The safer way to analyze him/her is to talk to her friends or colleagues and investigate if they’re aware of anything that may be bothering him/her.

The safest but more difficult way to do this is to ask your partner directly, however attention need be paid to avoid coming across as some psychic who has suddenly read her mind. It’s important to phrase it in a humbler way (I sense that something is bothering you) or to address the issue in a non accusatory way (Help me understand why this is happening).

Make the effort

A relationship is more about making the effort than the end result. As cliché as it is, it’s more about the journey than the destination. In that sense it’s a good idea to put in some effort to the entire process of fixing a relationship without placing too much emphasis on the expected outcome.

Needless to say eventually the good outcome will come but the pressure is much less if the expectations are placed a little lower. Always try to think how you can adapt yourself rather than how you want your partner to change for you.

These concepts will go a long way in fixing a troubled relationship but however unlikely there is a possibility that the relationship has run its course or that the two of you aren’t compatible together. So it might be a good idea to gauge your situation and seek professional help for persistent issues.

By Dilshan Senaratne