Have you ever noticed that you and your partner are as different as night and day? 

 

However if you fight all night and day, then you've got some issues that an adage like "opposites attract" won't solve. A successful relationship depends on how different you are, what you choose to make of the differences, and what the differences make of you.

 

Let's be clear from the start: Similar tastes in food and movies will not hold your relationship together, while different hobbies and passions will not necessarily drive you apart. Opposing cultures, tastes and opinions can actually benefit a relationship by introducing each person to a whole new perspective. Besides, contrasting personalities is a positive; nobody wants to date themselves, after all.

 

Opposites can contribute to the chemistry in a relationship, but if the two of you are too different, you might end up heading in different directions. It's time to examine your differences and discover whether they work for or against your relationship.

 

We spoke to a bunch of men and women in 'Opposite Attraction based Relationships' to justify this age old question.

 

Why opposites can attract

 

"The best thing about being different is that it allows you to compensate for whatever quality or character trait you lack and wish you had. Imagine you're the shy guy around the office, and have always wished you were more outgoing." (Roo 27)

 

So how does the headstrong, outgoing woman you met at your friend's wedding sound? You might gravitate toward someone who could be the missing piece in your life, which, as Jerry Maguire so eloquently put it, will "complete" you.

 

Although it seems logical for an aggressive man to be attracted to equally aggressive women, as we learned in physics, two positives fields will not produce energy. A negative and a positive, on the other hand, can make sparks fly.

 

The lust you feel for someone is different and not only adds an element into your life that was previously missing, but it also adds to the challenge of it all. You're a nice guy, yet you tend to fall for the girls that kick your heart to the curb. The appeal of nasty girls can seem like a mystery to you and your buddies, who always ask why you're with the wicked witch from the west rather than a woman who knows how to make you feel like there's no place like home. Could it be that you're looking for the Mr. Hyde to your Dr. Jekyll because the challenge motivates you to do so?

 

It's definitely one explanation for why the sweetest girls end up with the biggest jerks around or how the bad girls end up with the nicest guys. The challenge of conquering the heart of someone so opposite from you can add to the passion, which sometimes gets mistaken for love.

 

 

 

How different are you?

 

"The idea of opposites doesn't have to signify polar opposites. Your clean freak self might find your new girlfriend's "why clean now what you can't clean tomorrow" attitude adorable at first, but it could become downright irritating by a month two. The appeal of your differences can wear off like a great buzz, and feel like a hangover once the excitement wears off. That's why you need to establish from the start which characteristics and values are important to you in a mate, and which ones can be shelved."(Gayan 25)

 

Everything in the honeymoon phase seems perfect, so it's likely that your girlfriend's quirks and habits won't bother you within the first couple of months -- and these are the ones you're aware of. Since you can't give every potential girlfriend a "what would you do if" test to see whether she measures up, you can take her actions as hints of what is to come.

 

If her apartment is a mess every time you visit and her dishes are always piled up to the ceiling, it could say something about her (unless she works long hours and has a hectic schedule). If she's rude to the waiter and makes unfair demands when you're out for dinner, you might be able to gauge her personality from the start. So if you can't tolerate these traits and they aren't one-time occurrences, then you shouldn't ignore what you're getting yourself into.

 

Once you know someone's tendencies and personality, and you know that they are problematic for you, ask yourself whether these are things you're willing to accept later on down the road. Remember that the more emotion, time and effort you've invested, the harder it will be to break things off.

 

If your differences consist of the homebody vs. party animal, for example, sacrifices can be made to resolve the issue. Compromise is the key to keeping your relationship afloat; the two of you will simply have to learn how to communicate your needs with each other and make sacrifices. Just make sure your needs are equally met and fulfilled.

 

The real issue

 

The troublesome differences are those that come in the form of opposite wavelengths. If you're a big spender while she was raised with the mentality that money doesn't grow on trees, bigger issues may surface, especially if it ever comes to sharing a bank account. These opposing mentalities must be confronted from the start, or they will end up becoming emotionally expensive.

 

If your differences are relationship-based and present long-term effects, such as premarital sex vs. abstinence, or no children vs. a car full of kids, these must be addressed before things get serious. 

 

Unless you meet a woman while speed dating and grill each other upfront about marriage and children, these are issues that should arise naturally as the relationship progresses. These are not first-date conversation topics, but make sure they are addressed before the three-month mark or before things get serious.

 

You can also pick up on clues during dates and casual conversations. If you're walking through a park and she complains about all the kids screeching in the playground, pay attention and read into it however you like. And yes, it is possible that she hates dogs, so if she winces every time Buster licks her, then you may have to choose between your best friend and your new one.

 

If you are not willing to change, then do not assume that you can change her. She has known her way of life longer than she has known you, and it's nearly impossible to change unless she's doing it for herself.

 

Opposites are tricky because they do attract, and serve to bring out a new and improved side of each person. Different points of view can definitely bring a whole new spark to your relationship, and there's nothing wrong with adding another dimension to your life. And some healthy debating and differing opinions can add fire to any relationship. But if the differences you have are deeply rooted and present long-term effects on your romance, then you need to ask yourself the following questions:

 

How much do her differences bother me?

 

Do I complain to her/friends/myself more than I rejoice?

 

Can our differences be solved with compromise?

 

How important are my traits and mentality to me?

 

These questions should help you decide whether your opposing personalities will cause more damage than progress, because while opposites will add spark, too many contrasts will only burn bridges.

 

 

(Text by Keshiya Leitch)