Marcel Proust once said, “Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” I’ve been spending some time with friends a couple of days a week, this week, since my soul has been down in the pits and I needed someone other than my own emotional voice talking to my heart. Over a game of Scrabble, just the other day, a friend and I spent and evening – me doing all the talking and emptying the grime I had collected these couple of months.  By the end of the night, my friend had rooted out the weeds, ploughed the soil, let the sunshine in and watered the parched garden with a good measure of encouragements and sound advice.

Friends do that – help us through. When you need a listening ear, and women generally do require a listening ear, a good friend is the ideal counsel you need –the advice is good and you don’t have to pay someone else to listen to your problems.

But to have good and close friends, takes an effort most people forfeit for superficial relationshships. For meaningful relationships we need to roll up our sleeves and get our hands in the soil to toil for ourselves a harvest of good friends. Whether your focus is on intimate and loving relationships, or to grow long lasting friends, or more business relationships – to make them more meaningful here are a few tools you will require in your garden.

Tool Number One:

In all relationships commitment is key. When we are committed – that means we are serious about making it work – we spend time and invest in one another’s life. The fact that we make a conscious effort to be around when life happens – good and bad, is a good trait to practice. Don’t all of us have a community of timeservers amongst our friends –the chaff in the grain type of people? If you compare and contrast them to your good friends, you will notice how little they know of you. They have never gone past the surface level of knowing you, for who you are. They are the ones who judge you real fast when you are not even to blame. They are definitely not the people you should be going to for a little sunshine on a rainy day. People who are committed to you will never walk out of your life when darkness walks in. Good friends don’t judge, but are strong enough to reprimand you gently when you are wrong. To know you are wrong and not to judge, they need to have known you many years and spent time getting to know you – to invest our time is commitment. To expect commitment from others, we too have to invest in theirs. A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.  ~Grace Pulpit. To have allegiance when the whole world walks out is strength in a place of defeat.

We all have this type of friends in our group…   the type of friends we really connect with on a deeper, emotional level. The people whom we go to when we are deeply distressed. Men will whine and drown their sorrow in pub with all his friends, but women have their cluster of “compassionate” friends who really meet us at our level of emotional need.

Tool Number Two

Compassion. Even the Dalai Lama knew this precious secret… If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion. Compassion and empathy, are foundation stones for a long-lasting relationship.

Tool Number Three:

Generosity – healthy friendships are also based on the vital truth – the more we give the same measure we get back. When we make others happy – spend time with them, have a relationship of give and take strengthens ties. Being generous is about being willing to give of yourself when you may not immediately get in return, and this can require a having “win/win” attitude or a “what’s mine is yours” mentality. By practicing this habit it will provide amazing benefits to deal with conflict and strife. Aren’t we at our best, all about us? A generosity attitude also helps us chip off our selfishness.

Each one of us are weak people. We all have our differences and weaknesses. When we get closer to people and get deeper into a relationship – we start noticing the little things, the irksome things, the gestures that rub us the wrong way, the opinions that don’t settle well… Well now it’s time for Tool Number Four which is tolerance. When we stop judging and accept people as they are our friends learn to depend on us for trust and safety in opening up. If we are people who will not judge but accept other’s faults, people will automatically comfortable and be themselves which in turn is  a sure fire way of nurturing a friendship.

To cultivate strong relationships we also need a touch of kindness. This is your Tool Number Five. I like getting presents. How about you? Not only during special occasions but out of the blue. Do something nice for your friends – be spontaneous. When we engage in random acts of kindness it shows that we naturally care. It does not necessary mean you have to lavish your friends with gifts all the time – it can also mean doing favours, running an errand. Always remember what Seneca once said… “Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness”.

Well here we are at the end of our lesson in gardening for this week. Combine these useful tools and your garden of friends will be in bloom all season through.

Love is like the wild-rose briar;

Friendship is like the holly-tree.

The holly is dark when the rose briar blooms,

But which will bloom most constantly?

~Emily Brontë

(Written by Rishani Sittampalam)