If you have had to use a public toilet at Majestic City, you will realise how Sri Lankans need a manual for just about anything. Is the mess on the floor symbolic of their messes in the relationships? To quote Drake, the inspiration for this update ‘started at the bottom’, literally and faecally speaking. Maybe the reason for mangled relationships is because we’re so used to having our parents, teachers, and the CMC telling us what to do and how to do it, and relationships, on some level don’t enjoy this level of straightforwardness.

1. Just Jousting

You cannot date your best friend’s Ex or your Ex’s best friend. Either combination should be abstained from. This will never receive the proper interest it is due, only will only serve as fodder for gossip. Even if the other party strikes one, you should not reciprocate. Life is not a game of snakes and ladders. 

2. Digital ‘D’

In a world where online dating is a thing, finding ‘true love’ on Tinder is not. That goes against the very principle it was created for. You cannot find lasting in the midst of lusting. Just because you don a broom in a floral exhibit you cannot label it as Beyoncé’s baby shower. You can get lucky and find your soulmate on OKCupid, but the only thing ‘right' about Tinder, are you swiping it.

3. Top Notch Dating

I’ll admit that there’s something about men with power and authority. However, such affections should not be extended to those in one’s own organisation. Take it from someone who has experienced frissons of happiness dating a colleague, but wished the ground I was standing on would open up and swallow me whole in the light of inter-departmental infidelities. 

4. Cyclone

Long before 7-year-olds knew how to operate a mobile phone or even knew what it was, a Sri Lankan child’s only source of entertainment was spinning tops or playing hopscotch in an obsessive, repetitive manner from ages 4 until 11. I now believe that has affected our lives in a deeper way. Why do we keep going back to people that spin our lives into ruins like we did our spin tops? Instead of moving on, we move in a cyclical way only to go running back to ruins. 

5. The Group

Just because a three-in-one flavoured ice cream is a great idea, there isn’t evidence that this might be the same for relationships. If you have time to distribute between multiple women it's either that you are unemployed or are putting zero effort into your employers.

6. Degrees of Dating

You either date or don’t. You don’t date laawata or shape eke. Some Sri Lankans didn’t get the keley paththarey on Dating 101 that would inform them otherwise. You ideally shouldn’t have sirawata and kanaawata, lest you are willing to taste a kaney.

7. Leading the Way

You might not want to settle down, but wish to remain open for new challenges, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just make sure that both parties are on the same page so that she isn’t consulting anashtaka reciter and you haven’t bought a year’s supply of condoms. 

8. The Tiny Tantrums

Did he get five minutes late to pick you up? Was he busy with his *job* that he couldn’t pick up your seven calls to ask which shade of pink looked better on you? Did he mention that perhaps your spending habits don’t align with your income? If you’re looking to pick a fight to part ways, please do so with a subject that makes the news.

9. The Scape Goat

Someone very wise once told me that before marriage, opposites attract – but after marriage, opposites attack. How painfully true. It’s one thing to like someone who is confident in her size 16 dress size, but telling her that she ‘needs to hold back on the cake’ when you are in fact having a bad day is a no-no.  

10. The Harassment 

If she hasn’t swiped ‘right’ that’s your cue to turn left. Imagine reading your wedding vows and one person says, ‘Her level of crazy was so much that she threatened to commit suicide if I didn’t love her’ or ‘He threatened to send a white van my way if I didn’t accept his Facebook friends request’. I’m not saying that you should allow someone to harass you while being in the relationship, but if you spot psychotic tendencies, please don’t interpret that ‘madly in love’.  

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