May 20 2016.
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And, by ‘goodies’ I don’t mean his junk. I almost got you there, didn’t I? I was entertaining an imaginary friend while contouring my hair with conditioner while in the shower, and naturally, I was hosted (in my head) for a talk show and asked (because of the multitude of men queuing up to date me) what I found most attractive in a man.
Hands clasped, I smile politely, look down, and say, “Well, I don’t know – I’ve been single for three years”, to which the audience in the show gasp, their faces masked with shock. The talk show host faints!
Yeah, I really need to lay off the all-sugar diet.
You see, there is an element of truth in this monologue. I had been single for so long that I no longer knew what I was looking for in a man. I was reading some rag just yesterday and stumbled upon some seemingly ineffectual advice for a woman in her twenties (ahem). It said we should compile a list of what we wanted and slowly tick it off as we encounter guys to wade the weeds. You know, the ones whose sole purpose is getting their pee-pee in your wee-wee.
So, to add fuel to the fire, my soon-to-be-thirty imagination succumbed to the task! Here is my list of goodies the man I intend to date should tick off against.
1. A masculine beard is so very important – have you seen guys who sport patches of hair on their face and think it is the height of masculinity? Darling, I am sure my leg hair grows with more vigour.
2. I'd like a man who'd fill his pants right. I have mild OCD conditions that overcome me when I see boys wear their jeans from their knees bearing boxer shorts for all its glory; I have such an urge to pull it up and fasten a belt around his waist and swathe him in masking tape for good measure.
3. I like nerds – guys who read, and whose reading explores boundaries beyond Playboy or other varied forms of pornography. I cannot think of one boy I associate at present who can name ten titles of books they’ve read. They must hail Autocorrect as their God.
4. Street smart vs. book smart – now this needs to be perfectly in check. They cannot be gambits who've gangster names from the town from which their hail nor could they live in oblivion on what sunsets are like because they've permanently had a book glued to their phones. The latter usually drives Daddy’s latest Mercedes SLK and has never worked a day in their lives and the other is so thrifty that he cannot bear to spend Rs. 1,500 on pizza.
5. I do appreciate the occasional gift-giving; whoever says they don't care about the value of the gift and it's the thought that counts are lying Barbies (I want to use another word); money talks, and the bigger the rock, the faster/louder it hits social media. I just hope he has really good taste.
6. I do not want a guy who wears Bluetooth headset devices from 2001.
7. Have you ever wondered what the outcome of Chris Evans and Adam Levine mating would be? That's the kind of guy I would like to date – someone who doesn't look like a leather couch nor a spaghetti stick; something delightfully in between of these two extremes.
8. It would be a lie to say that I watched Magic Mike XXL; I only watched parts of it on loop. I’d like those moves too, but you know how you get worried when a guy knows what to do with parts of your body that you didn’t?
9. He could be in the upper-income bracket, but I'd want someone who's interested in a career. Like someone who'd make it to LMD magazine for his own achievements and not his Daddy's.
10. Good taste in music and movies is vital.
11. Aren’t guys who have hobbies 10,000% more attractive? It could be his music, or he could be playing a game of rugby with his friends, spending time in a CrossFit box, but hobbies are vital… and I don’t mean X-Box.
12. Someone who takes care of himself. It comes in handy when I run out of face wash and I can use some of his. Though I would be worried if I find shit like makeup remover, you know.
13. I may come off as snobby, but I would love to have someone who fits into any social situation with ease. Hence the nerd factor above. I can think of a few men who opine on topics they wouldn't know to speak of even if it was rubbed in their face, yet, there are few effervescent types who can talk about the former Rajapakse regime, Donald Trump factor, and Nigella’s lamb rumps without offending so much as a fly. I tell you, I have fallen in love with more men who can carry on a polite conversation than any whippersnapper I've met.
14. Someone who doesn't think it's that big a deal just because he got me a Big Mac. I mean, do you even know about my appetite?
15. Nice handwriting. I cannot think how amazing it would be if he had perfect longhand – sigh.
So, there are the ‘goodies’ that I have on my shopping list for the perfect guy. Now, you must wonder what about honesty, loyalty, and duration – those are obviously a given! Have you been compiling your list, too? Have you discussed this shopping list over brunch with your girls? Go ahead and ‘share’ with them if you agree on anything!
As always feel free to let me know your thoughts on Ms. Confidential on Facebook, Google+ or Twitter! Enjoy the last few days of May!
By Ms. Confidential
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