What Couple Selfies Mean to Us 

The holidays are the worst for single people like me. Why, you may ask – social media, our only sanctuary is violated with a multitude of couple selfies making us realize that not only do we remain single during the festive season, but we also remain without a co-poser to litter our social media accounts. 

There are also the couple selfies that appear at weddings, baby showers, engagements, birthdays, Valentines, St. Patrick’s Day, or even when waiting for steaming hot cheese kottu at Pilawoos. There are couple selfies everywhere we look with the most insipid captions possible. E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E. 

Alright, I do admit to having a few couples who are digitally responsible, whose seldom posts have made me aspire to be like them, but then there are those couples who even capture post-coital bliss all too authentically, making you want to gag on the cornflakes in the morning. 

On another note, what seriously goes down in the minds of single people who feel bile rising when they see these couple selfies? You may think that I am displaying symptoms of 'sour grapes', but Darling, as long as Butter Boutique exists my life is complete. I decided to decipher these couple selfies and decode what it means to us Singletons. 

Let the games begin! 

1. We Be Tripping, Bishes! 

Type - Common type of couple selfies where the couple engages in travel and sh*ts on our Facebook feed with multiple pictures and #deep captions of the places traveled to, except instead of the location it includes pictures of their faces, entwined feet, or them in a car and the girl holds the phone in a flattering angle that doesn’t work for him. 

Interpretation - It's nice that you travel and all but shove away from the screen so that we actually see the location shots. Yeah, and that angle of the car selfie isn’t working for either of you. 

2. We Breathe Each Other 

Type - This is the couple that documents every ten steps of their day together; from #ThisIsHowWeBreakfast to their shopping at Odel, walking into Odel, to their coffee, to their drive to the coffee shop, and it just goes on. Ten pictures of them on Instagram, also shared on Facebook, and Twitter. 

Interpretation - Do you two sh*t together as well? 

3. Glitterati 

Type - These selfies aren’t too bad – it’s the couple, donned in suit and tie, or of them just about to *partay*, except when there are different angles. One of her, one of him, one together, one slightly apart, one with her friends, one with his friends, one on arrival at the intended destination, one mid-way through the night, one very sloshed one, and the list goes on. 

Interpretation - Are you afraid that this might be your last night out or are you trying to get your ROI on that dress you busted a small fortune on? 

4. Forever Timeless 

Type - Sigh. This happens when either of the couple posts selfies with long, deep quotes that have zero relevance, but ends it with disgusting nicknames they call each other and how either party has been the best thing that has happened to them. 

Interpretation - Why? Why? Why? Why are there extinct animals? Why couldn’t they be extinct instead? 

5. Living The High Life 

Type - When you create a collage of that one time he buys you roses, and takes you to dinner and you even include pictures of the fries you had. 

Interpretation - I really must close my Facebook account. 

6. Arrival of Babe 

Type - The delivery room selfies with a newborn – I applaud your commitment to procreate and taking on motherhood, but this includes pictures of babies that have the umbilical cord attached. 

Interpretation - Is this a biology lesson? Fine, you brought life, but not everyone wants to see parts of your uterus on your creation. 

7. Wedding Bells 

Type - The wedding couple takes MANY selfies. 

Interpretation - Damn, how did they manage to do that? I didn’t even have a minute to go to the loo to check whether I had lipstick on my teeth, but you managed to get a thousand selfies when you had 500-guest wedding? [Slow clap]. 

8. Seventh Heaven 

Type - Remember I mentioned a few couples that I admired? This is them. It's an unrehearsed picture of the couple, not trying to suck each others' faces or recreate a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey. 

Interpretation - I want to be like them when I grow up! 

9. Date Knight 

Type - When they check-in multiple times into several restaurants and tag each other. It sucks if you are friends with both parties because they each document the same moments, faces, and food. 

Interpretation - Darling, are you trying to highlight the fact that you have a man or that you have spending power? 

10. Even The Karshadiashan are Krazy for Me 

Type - The couples who flaunt their mansion-like homes, SUVs, and lavish lifestyles. They make it look like their lifestyle look flashy enough that celebrities took notes from them. But, they are just as nutters to also take to social media when they have a fight to talk about how they’ve achieved everything and ‘don’t need nobody’, and you just know that they've had a row. 

Interpretation - … Remind me again why are friends on Facebook. 

Oh, this reminded me of a snarky comment I received from a ‘friend’ a few years older from school on Facebook when I had put up a status asking why couples had to detail everything they did on social media; this lovely lady implied that I was jealous because I wasn’t in a relationship and that if I did, I, too would create a ‘digital diary’ (Her words, not mine) Naturally, I refrained from confronting her with choice words because you cannot throw pearls to pigs, can you? 

Would you believe it that I told you that all this was written with my Facebook feed opened in front of me for 40 minutes? That translates to every four minutes there are couples who post their selfies on social media. It makes me wonder how you'd achieve that if you actually enjoyed spending time together than tapping away on your smartphones. Every four minutes a single person views this and wishes to burn their phone. Every four minutes you remind the world that being in a relationship is better than being single. Chin up, you Singletons, it will be your turn soon! 

That concludes my spin on couple selfies – this may not be everyone's take, but I feel I have covered everyone's sentiments. Got any more you'd like to share? 

If you've had this same conversation with your BFF – go ahead and hit the ‘share' button! Let it be known that you are not the only one with these thoughts. 

As always, I look forward to the messages and feedback – connect with me on Ms. Confidential on Facebook, Twitter, or Google+ or look out for similar reads on msconfidentialcolombo.blogspot.com. 

By Ms. Confidential