I woke up last Saturday afternoon after a nap, sputtering all known curse words with a burning desire to cut my pillows, bite my glass tumbler, and set fire to my lingerie. No, this was not the power cut’s doing. I have a crush on someone. 

Honestly, this tingly happy feeling only annoys me. Involuntarily smiling when something reminded me of him only made me want to drag my fingernails across a concrete wall; surveying his hands to note that he had relatively longer fingers only made me wonder about dimensions and proportions. 

However, this crush that I refer to as ‘March 16’ came to a sad halt and is now dead to me. Turns out he couldn’t bother beyond a brusque ‘Hello’ with me, however, spend oodles of time talking to Ms. Gold Medal Supernova and trying to impress her. I wanted to tell him that slovenly b*tch already has a man, but being the centre of peace, I walked on burying him deeper in my mind’s soil. 

My friend played devil’s advocate and countered me with ‘How would he know you like him? Have you even said anything to him?’ I held my heart as I cried out luridly, ‘F*ck, no’ – she rolls her eyes in that ‘why do I even bother with her’ way. 

I may have given out a few signs – I stare at him and swear less around him. In fact, I walk around with one bent wrist for good measure. Today, I wondered if I gave him mixed messages; did I talk too much or too little? Should I have messaged him? Should I have liked his vacation posts on Facebook? Did my resting bitch face make him want to avoid me like a man avoiding manscaping? Or, simply was he clueless about how to handle the situation. That had to be it. 

Thus, the need to provide guidance to these naïve and clueless blokes stirred in my heart – for my benefit mainly. 

1. Just because all my posts and blog updates are pro-feminist, that does NOT mean that I have the bravado to ask a man out. Ever. (Rubbing my arms to calm my gooseflesh) I may appear to be Margaret Thatcher with compelling posts like ‘Do not need d*ck’ but Darling, in terrains concerning love and alike, I am simply Dora the Explorer. 

2. Adding me as a ‘Friend' on Facebook does not top the insurmountable happiness I feel when you ask me for my number and ensure I have yours. Also, chatting with me in a WhatsApp group does not count as a conversation. 

3. If you’re gay, please tell me that I am barking up the wrong tree. In this age of confusing undercut-side-swept-hairdos, a heterosexual woman is easily confused. 

4. Staring at me or avoiding me will reap the same consequences for you. If you are trying to get my attention, don’t talk to others to ‘make me work for it’, because I will only want to work on a voodoo doll of you and stick a thousand needles in your groin. 

5. Dressing well will work to your advantage. Not wearing the same tee-shirt will do wonders. 

6. If you want me to ‘get the message’, you’re going to have to try harder than ‘Yo, dude’. ‘Hi, ’ will suffice. 

7. Deodorant. Do. 

8. I will be delighted to converse beyond (a.) Work (b.) Sleep (c.) Traffic in Colombo; I promise you that if you only attempt to go beyond these borders, I will champion you through. 

9. Effing call me on my birthday. Now, you may be confused – you see, mobile phones were first invented to ‘talk’ (literally) to people, NOT to be your source of music, ‘entertainment’ (ahem), alarm, your diary etc. So, if it’s my birthday, for the sake of humanity, please do not post ‘HBD! Hope u hv a gr8 dy’ on my timeline. 

There you go! Nine clues to help you get lucky! Simple basic facts that can help you no matter your age, geography, social status is. I have been writing this update for about an hour and the fact that there is a need to compile this makes me think that we are closer to the pre-historic cavemen era than ever. 

What do you think? Have I missed anything? What are your experiences like? Feel like you just had this chat with your BFF – go ahead and hit the ‘share’ button. As always, feel free to let me know your thoughts on Ms. Confidential on Facebook, Google+ or Twitter and look out for more reads on msconfidentialcolombo.blogspot.com! Enjoy the last few days of March 2016. 

By Ms. Confidential