Jun 10 2016.
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Things that go through my head when I get a wedding invitation...
June – ‘Tis the month solely dedicated to pledging your eternal love to your partner, and simultaneously spend the national equivalent of GDP on floral arrangements, photographers, elaborate banquets, and last but not least, create memories of a lifetime. Alas, these are not the sentiments of an average single girl exiting her twenties.
For her (for me), the month of June heralds more, ‘So… when is your big day, ah?' and ‘When are we going to be invited to your wedding?' It's just dreadful to be alive when your sole definition of pure bliss is to be ‘el-commando' in your PJs, a few iced Milos, and Chinese Dragon takeaway, binge-watching ‘Two Broke Girls'.
When April ends, you know you’re on your own, because May is when you receive wedding invitations. I have a clear folder of all the wedding invitations I have received over the last six years, it was initially for inspiration, now well, remember how you used to press flowers when you were little?
When I do receive an invitation, I always wonder if this is what it must be like to be working in the peacekeeping mission in a war-ravaged country… the inviter (enemy) approaches you, sometimes completely aware, and hand you an envelope (some invitations look like 120 page single ruled books) that I regard as the ammo, and you (victim) receive it because you know there is no way out. You smile tersely, commanding your cheeks and lips to widen to force yourself into an ‘Oh my goodness! I am so thrilled; of course, I will be there'. Sigh.
Maybe it’s just me – or maybe you’re in my boat as well. Here’s what my mind runs through when I receive a wedding invitation; at this point I pray that you’re nodding your head through them as well!
1. The rise of the Bile
In the above scenario, when the victim is ‘hit' the first response is to defend one's self. Before you prepare to say anything, you need to swallow your bile. I kind of know how Eminem felt when he said, ‘His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti’.
2. Cheerleader
This is when you are quickly calculating how long you’ve known the person and evaluate how high-pitched your tone should be when squealing in delight. Should I go for ecstatic pig or bulldozer grunt?
3. The Speech
Now, as much as I hate doing this, there are times when I have had to El-Fake-O my way out of this one. I would politely have to say something uplifting and kind, rather than my usual ‘marriages last five years top’ speech.
4. The Pondering Panda
I look at this wedding invitation, and mentally count how many there were before this and how many there would be after. I look at my calendar on my phone and key it in with a reminder the day before. Like I am going to forget this!
5. Couture Queen
This is what I dread the most. Planning your outfit so that it doesn’t look like you’ve lost the plot altogether by seeming to drab, and not over-doing it a notch or two so that aunties don’t say, ‘Very good, you have put nice makeup on’, implying that I am hunting the most eligible bachelor. [Note to reader: ‘a’ was intentional]
6. Table for Two
Yikes! The table plans! I know that this is the part of the wedding that barely gets any attention, and most often you find people wriggling in their seats for the hated crime of being placed to sit next to your ex-boyfriend's sister's neighbour. At this point, you pray that you are placed amongst your friends and certainly not next to the speakers.
7. Judge Me Now, Judge Me Tender
I have to admit, over the last few months fewer people ask embarrassing questions and state the obvious like, ‘You won’t be able to get pregnant over 30, ah!’. Somehow, people have learned not to ask sh*t like that; it’s either that or they’ve heard that I am a multi-linguistic in profanity. That’s something not to dread, but still there would be those couples whose only conversations revolve around ‘my child, my husband’, like don’t you have a life of your own? Somehow, you are forced to smile, be polite and make small talk.
8. Make Way for the Buffet
Even when all fails, at least there is the food to look forward to! This thought can lure me even to the deepest oceans.
There you have it – eight thoughts that run through my head once I get a wedding invitation! Have I missed out on anything? Anyone who could use reading this? Go ahead and hit the ‘share’ button. As always, feel free to let me know your thoughts on Ms. Confidential on Facebook, Google+ or Twitter and look out for more reads on msconfidentialcolombo.blogspot.com!
By Ms. Confidential
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