8 Insufferable Types of People You Will Invariably Encounter at the Cinema 

You're engrossed in the movie, a chip held firmly between your fingers, your hand on pause midway towards your mouth, food forgotten; you know the hero is going to get killed because he's walking into a trap… Oh no, looks like the hero's mom is going to walk into it instead and “rrrrrrrrrring” cue lame ringtone ringing unanswered for an excruciatingly drawn out period of time. 

Your typical cinema experience package will include more minuses than pluses, and most often than not, you will leave without your money's worth thanks to selfish beings at the cinema. Sadly, the number of people commiting cinema faux pas are a little too common for our liking. 

Therefore, we strongly believe offenders should be named and shamed; their photos displayed prominently with their offense highlighted for the world to see. Until that happens, we're destined to a lifetime of cringeworthy cinema experiences. Here are some people who deserve a lifetime ban from every cinema that will ever exist. 

1. Those With A Million Questions 

Whether it's an uncle at a Marvel movie or a kid in a theater showing Inception, you cannot go a minute without hearing these people ask a question a minute for the duration of the movie. 

2. The Vatti Ammas 

The gaggle of girls who probably should have held their get-together at a coffee shop instead of, say, at the bloody theatre!!! They will incessantly chatter and giggle at high decibels throughout the movie - especially at the most crucial moments that would have worked better with pin drop silence. Let's not be stereotypical though - this includes groups of loud, testosterone fuelled bros, chatty groups of aunties, obnoxious uncles and high pitched kids among many others. 

3. The Human IMDB* 

These experts feel like it's their job to give a scene by scene commentary, including random nuggets of related or unrelated trivia - because that's what we all paid for, right? To hear some insufferable know-it-all remind us that Batman once took on the entire Justice League by himself. 

*Internet Movie Database 

4. The R-Rated Couples 

We get it - couples can't sit with their significant other at Independence Square because of the draconian laws (which we now know don't exist). And they've thankfully decided not to subject a poor kid to their R-rated antics. Instead, The Jungle Book suddenly includes R-rated visuals and/or audio, depending on where you've unfortunately chosen to sit - likely the darkest part of the theatre. 

5. The Phone Addicts 

I guess they didn't get the memo that you're only supposed to be glued to one screen, when at the cinema, and that screen is most definitely NOT the one on their phone! It might be that uncle who lets his phone ring for a never ending full 30 seconds before answering, then goes on to have an entire conversation, movie and fellow moviegoers be damned. Or the teenager texting throughout the entire movie, their lit screen distracting everyone in the vicinity. 

6. The Latecomers 

Not only do these people have the audacity to turn up late, they also tend to step on our toes while they're at it - both literally and figuratively. They will make a show of trying barge past us all, exclaiming loudly to their fellow latecomers “Come soon aney. The movie has started. Haiyo. This Galle Road traffic!!! Excuse me. Ouch. Haiyo, can't see where I'm going aney. Excu-” (leave home early, maybe?) their words echoing for full effect, totally unbothered by the fact that our feet are being skewered by their stilettos in the process. 

7. The Youngins 

It's a sweeping generalization, yes, but can people stick to bringing kids along to children's movies only? Don't make us the bad person when we ask you to try shush your baby when you brought it to watch JURASSIC PARK for crying out loud!!!!! Of course the infant's going to freak out! 

8. The Unrefined Ones / The Thugs 

These oftentimes fully grown adults will continuously kick your chair throughout the movie, rest their foot on YOUR armrest, and snap at you if you ever dared to confront them “What are you complaining about ah? We paid for this ticket!”. (Since when purchasing a ticket makes allowances for ticket holder to exercise such liberties we will never know, and if there were, we obviously missed that memo). They will also cause you bodily harm with their humongous belongings as they squeeze past you, partake in loud discussions, chew loud enough for half the theatre to hear and treat the space as a garbage dump. All you can do is to hope you’ll make it to the end of the movie in one piece. 

By Rihaab Mowlana