7 Ways to Avoid Aunties at Parties
Aunty: noun the sister of one’s father or mother or the wife of one’s uncle (or your parents’ female friend or that middle aged female in a floral skirt at the bus-stand or the female who hands you the change at your canteen or any female whose name you don’t know and looks 7 years older than you).
Now that you have had your first lesson in Auntyology, here’s how you can avoid aunties at parties.
But wait, why avoid aunties? Are they deadly, fatal or contagious? Kind of.
Aunties are cute when they give you chocolates after they’ve spent their pension savings on a tour and are cooler when they tell your mom to stop scolding you, but aunties can sometimes kill the vibe with the “so when are you getting married, men?” and “oh, dear, you have become a bit chubby, noh? (AKA YOU HAVE BECOME FAT. STOP EATING)”. So, here’s your guide to avoid aunties at parties and have a kickass time!
1. Avoid. Eye. Contact.
Aunties, usually the aged ones, boast about their trips to the optician, but at parties they spot you like hawks and eagles. I think it’s an aunty syndrome to have dramatically improved vision when it comes to social gatherings. Therefore, you, my friend, need to avoid eye contact at all cost, even if it means scooping your eyeballs out!
2. Hand her a drink.
If your aunty is the cool aunty who drinks, but is uncool at the same time because she wants to know every single detail about your love life, hand her a drink. First, start with a “Hi, auntyyyyy!” so she thinks you’re really happy to see her. Then, force a drink into her hand and run for your life.
3. Dress like an aunty.
Some aunties (not the ones who are kinda cool) like to go all critical. “What is this hair, men? Plait it nicely, will you?” and statements along those lines will be made if you’re not dressed like an aunty. So, CAMOUFLAUGE TO THE RESCUEEEE! Dress like an aunty and aunties won’t notice your presence!
Warning: you might get hit on by an uncle.
4. Be a typical Sri Lankan and set your aunty up.
At parties you will find a pool of aunties. This includes the single aunties, the devoted aunties and the aunties who are no longer interested in their husbands. This method works with the first and third categories. To avoid them, just introduce them to that charming uncle with the pot belly. You might just get the special invite to their wedding!
5. Offer the aunty some food (cake, preferably)
If there’s something aunties like next to gossiping, it’s good food! Cake, especially. (Any kind.) So if you’re stuck in an awkward situation with an aunty you didn’t know exists, offer her a piece of cake. You have got to be loaded with cake all the time if you’re going to face aunties at parties.
And there’s a bonus too! Aunty points! This way you’ll be her preferred choice for her daughter or son!
6. JUST RUN
Ever wanted to be Usain Bolt? Here’s your chance. You see an aunty, you run. If you can’t be Usain Bolt, you can always practice. Running in 6 inch heels can be tough, but hey! That’s good training!
As for the boys, the girls might dig you if they see your sprinting skills.
But run for your life so you won’t have to go through an hour of nodding and planting a fixed smile to the aunty’s “you were sooooo chubby and cute when you were small, aney” statements.
This might be a difficult one for those with asthma though.
7. Don’t avoid. Talk.
No, really, just talk to the aunty who is so pleased to see you! We already have many obnoxious people – you don’t have to be another. Five minutes of talking to the aunties and tolerating the “so next is you, ah” at engagement parties is not going to hurt you one bit. You’re only going to gain brownie points and “this one’s daughter/son is such an angel, men” titles. So, it really isn’t that bad. Go ahead and make an aunty happy!
Sri Lankan aunties are a special species. Live in their rareness!
By Nabeela Yaseen
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