As a mother, my children are my main priority and I am always wondering how I can be a better parent. What extra little bit or which new-fangled parenting theory is going to turn me into the mother of the year with extremely well-mannered disciplined kids in tow. In a bustling household of four children to manage I am always shouting. I shout at one to pick up her socks, threaten the older two to stop fighting and scream with dismay as another one of my favorite crystal vases end up in shards in the hands of the inquisitive disobedient child. Just like my children I dislike the shouting, in addition to being physically drained I am also mentally exhausted by the constant battles with the children. But, in my defense my behavior is instinctive, sometimes it feels good to bellow out some commands in the hope that someone will listen. On a serious note feel if I don't shout they will turn out to be spoilt and ungrateful children and society will blame me for turning out social miscreants.

According to the experts, constant admonishing and disciplining your child falls into the category of authoritative versus authoritarian parenting. Whilst authoritative parenting still sets down the rules and limitations, it follows up with nurturing and shows affection to the child. Though being strict, authoritative parents keep an open flow of communication with their children so that they feel loved and wanted.

With respect to authoritarian parenting, the child is disciplined through ridicule, insults and feelings of being unloved and unwanted. It is a do as I say otherwise get lost mantra. Therefore practicing authoritative parenting is the correct approach to the situation, for you are still keeping discipline but at the same time you are building a close bond with your child. It is important that with the constant disciplining we dole out we are aware of which style we practice, for children brought up in the authoritarian parenting style, develop a series of behavioral and psychological problems. Here are the pitfalls of authoritarian parenting to be aware of.

1. Behavioural Issues

Research has found that children brought up within the authoritarian parenting styles are relatively well-behaved, but display attributes of dishonesty and untruthfulness when found in a dicey situation. Their first instinct is to lie to get themselves out of trouble rather than face the consequences; they steadfastly adhere to their lies even when told that they will not be punished. Such children over time are also very aggressive than children brought up by authoritative parents. As a result of being exposed to constant admonishing and disciplining they will eventually vent out their pent up anger through aggression.

2. Emotional Problems

By being constantly corrected and vilified into behaving correctly, such children are at a greater risk of developing depression, anxiety and low esteem. They tend to believe that they are unable to do anything right since they are not given any praise or encouragement. These feelings of low self esteem forms into cycles of depression at an adult stage. Authoritarian parenting of children also causes less resourceful adults who shy away from social situations and refrain from having empathy towards other human beings. They don't build relationships and tend to be reclusive and socially inept.  

3. At school

Studies have showed that children who parents try to discipline by ridiculing their bad performances in school tend to do even worse. So constantly teasing your child saying you only got a B does not encourage them to do better but instead digress further downwards for they start to lose their self-confidence and thus loose interest in school.

4. Moral values

Children of authoritarian parents tend not to uphold the morals that their parents think that they installing. Due to the constant barrage of criticisms hurled at them, they start to tune out their parents and instead behave in a more harmful manner.

So therefore, I believe there is a fine line between the two types of parenting, authoritarian versus authoritative. I fully believe that we should be strict with our children, after all we are their parents, and not their friends, to ignore a child is to love them less. But we should be careful as to how much we discipline, with the strains and pressures of everyday life, parenting becomes frustrating and we are after all human. In the midst of the chaos we should always remember that however maddening our children are, we are their only refuge and love does in the end solve all problems. Go hug your child.

By Mayuri Jayasinghe