May 07 2012.
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I have noticed that when my children have arguments amongst their peers, they do it differently. My son if he were to have an argument with one of his friends, would initially involve some physical pushing around, displays of strength and then the argument will be decided in a race where the loser will quietly accept his defeat and they will go back to playing bay blades or their latest video game.
All is solved and forgotten in a matter of minutes. When my daughter and her friends fight, the warfare lasts a couple of days and involves name calling, ostrascization and eventual breakdown of the victim coming home in tears for being alienated and ridiculed. Why are girls so mean?
This sort of behavior which includes ridiculing, alienation and mental breakdown as modes of attack is known as ‘Relational Aggression’. This form of bullying targets lone victims and according to child psychologists usually stem from improper disciplining strategies by Parents. The whole objective of relational aggression is to break the victim down mentally; the tormentor will take comfort in using a group to attack the lone victim. Through slurs, taunts and demeaning of the victims appearance, the tormentor is pursued for several days until she is mentally broken and finished.
Relational Aggression can be seen in girls as young as three years old, where they will directly say to another ‘You smell’ or “Your skin is ugly’ , their taunts of attack are direct and to the point. As these girls get older they are very subtle in their mean streaks and not so direct but still engage in a vicious play of words.
How to Spot a Mean girl?
Such girls are very good at making friends, when they want to.
They are usually the most popular girls in school, just because no one wants to take this title away from them.
They engage in manipulating behavior.
Their stinging words are equivalent to a punch in the face.
Unfortunately such behavior in children is through learnt behavior and comes through from a discipling parent.
Research has shown that parents who engage in disciplining strategies that taunt and ridicule their child to get them to behave give rise to these ‘Mean Girls’. These negative modes of communication which use guilt trips and no words of love or kindness trigger such behavior.
How to help your child.
Obviously such ‘Mean girls’ need to be pinpointed and dealt with individually. They are after all children who have just had bad influences in their lives and it can be corrected at this stage. Until then we do need to protect our children, for to be a victim of one of these mean girls is so suffer silently through mental trauma which will eventually lead to depression and lack of self confidence.
Always keep the communication lines between you and your child open, listen to them when they tell you their stories however fanciful it may seem. Always take them seriously.
Teach your daughters to be strong and resilient to words of taunt and ridicule. Help them make positive friendships and stay away from the negative ones.
Mean girls thrive on controlling a reaction or situation, if that reaction is lost then they are redundant, teach you daughter to usurp these reactions and be strong.
This is indeed a sad situation to find amongst our daughters but it does exist and therefore we have to protect and advise our children accordingly. If your daughter is a victim of a mean girl, you must take action accordingly for you to neglect would be doing an injustice to your child as well as the mean girl who needs help.
(Article by Mayuri Jayasinghe)
0 Comments
Naseeb says:
May 31, 2012 at 05:02 amThey are mean becuase they born for some purpose lol!
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