When my littlest one arrived everyone’s advice was not to forget about the other children. My older two were used to having Mummy bring home a baby and were more that ecstatic about welcoming another sibling. They in fact had a fight over which one would sit closest to the baby, no problems of feelings of abandonment for those two I thought. I waited with bated breath as my three year old surveyed the baby, ‘She’s like my little doll’ she said, ‘I love her, can she sleep with me?’ and I sighed with relief. What nonsense were all these experts talking about on how siblings react adversely to a new baby. Where were the cries, the tantrums, the destructive behavior. Ours was one big happy family.
Reality set in the next few months. The older two with their school commitments required my time and attention and of course I had to spend the equal amount of time with my newborn. But my three year old who had usually received all my attention as the youngest, was the one who fell through the crack. She didn’t have homework, she was potty-trained and quite independent on eating on her own. Her personality was
also undemanding; she was the one who quietly tagged along with the rest of us, uncomplaining. Thus everything I had to do with her I did fast, she was washed and dressed in a jiffy and her mealtimes were mostly spent sitting with the cook or infront of the T.V since I was too busy attending to the demands of a newborn.
One incident which broke my heart was when I discovered her asleep outside the baby’s room door. Usually my rule to all is that if the door is closed do not barge in, since the baby is sleeping. So instead of trying to get my attention she had fallen asleep, her little head leaning against the door whilst patiently waiting for me to come out and read her a story, which I had promised a few hours back. I was mortified, this was not good parenting. My child might not have shown outwards signs of being neglected but she still needed that time with a parent. I had to get the balance right. Here are a few tips on how to be a ‘tight-rope’ parent, it all a balancing act.
Getting the balance right:
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Start early. Despite how much help you will have when baby arrives all they want is you. If your husband hasn’t already, then get him to focus more on the older sibling. A parent is always better than some hired help. Since most of my time is spent with the baby my husband has developed a close bond with our three year old, they are the best of friends, snickering over their own personal jokes and having their own secret handshake. This has been a double blessing, for my daughter gets the attention that she craves and my husband’s bond with his daughter has grown stronger.
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We make it a point to do certain things during the day, so make it a point each day to spend some ‘one on one’ time with your child. Do not make it a group activity, be it when you are giving them a bath or helping them clean their room. Talk to them during that time, this will give them bucket loads of confidence which will help in the time that you have to be away.
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If your older child is old enough, then get them involved in helping you to care for the baby. To fetch a toy, to get a diaper, to help rub the cream in, under your supervision, give them little tasks to do.
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Despite the nannies I have, I have not alienated the children from the baby. My older daughter helps me bathe the baby, my son usually entertains the little one whilst I make dinner and my three year old gets to have her bedtime routine with the baby. Despite her having her own room, I have let her sleep in the baby’s nursery. She loves sharing the bedtime routine of baths, comfy pajamas and bedtime stories. It creates a bond with her sister that is unbreakable.
Whether you have one child or many, it is always a balancing act trying to give them the due attention whilst dealing with the pressures of everyday life. But it is an important commitment to make, for they are after all our children who will one day grow up to be adults and who we then in our old age will hope will spend time with us.
By Mayuri Jayasinghe
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