In our Sri Lankan societies, I feel the act of “shaming” is used as a way of disciplining a child all too frequently. We feel that by mildly shaming a disobedient child they will be so traumatized that they would not repeat the behaviour in question. Yes you are right they are indeed traumatized but it has also left an unpleasant experience in their memory and a loss of confidence in themselves. It has infact done more harm than good. Sometimes we might inadvertently shame our child unknowingly. The child who continues to play ball in the house despite being told not to acts merely out of impulse rather than connived strategic thought. He or she, as a youngster behaves impulsively, not being able to control their thoughts and actions and therefore is surprised as much as the parent at the eventual disastrous outcome.
Angered by their disobedient behaviour, our emotions get the better of us and we shout and scream at their stupidity. Yes you feel right in your behaviour because you are frustrated at the lack of compliance. Shaming is in other words a release on the pressure valve of parental stress felt. The child is surprised and ashamed at the onslaught of insults. The common put downs that we use are : "You naughty boy!", "You're acting like a spoiled child!", "You selfish brat!", "You cry-baby!". Moralizing: "Good little boys don't act that way", "You've been a bad little girl". The age-based expectation: "Grow up!", "Stop acting like a baby!", "Big boys don't cry", Also shaming does not only pertain to verbal belittling, it also incorporates smacking and other forms of punishments. As parents the never ending quest is to find ways to discipline your child positively and effectively. Here are some suggestions to try out:
1. When disciplining it is human nature to act through our own frustration and exasperation. But it is also important to remember that disciplining a child is not about getting even, inducing guilt or doling out punishments, which according to the experts is a form of shaming. Disciplining should be about correcting and guiding your child into correct behaviour.
2. Is it important to realize that discipline is necessary but punishment is not. We should not look towards disciplining and the end result to always be a punished child. As children grow they can be reasoned with, explained to, developing that fluid mode of conversation without your feelings getting in the way is a very difficult task indeed. We are parents, but we also human after all.
3. As mentioned earlier, talking through the behaviour is very important. If a child has disobeyed do not be quick to jump to a conclusion. Ask the child to leave the room and get control of your own emotions. Hasty decisions made are always regretted in hindsight. Once calm, then talk your child through what has occurred, he or she will be defensive, there will be a lot of “it's not fair” and goading of your good nature. But it is imperative to stay calm for the sake of progressive and effective disciplining.
4. It is frowned on to be a strict parent. But you must also be fair and realistic in the behaviour that you seek . In their formative years you do not want children behaving out of fear rather than reasoning, for once out of your home, they will rebel and behave as they please. The correct behaviour taught, you hope will carry on with them for the rest of their lives.
Shaming a child should not be the end result of every disciplining session. Our parental views must evolve and as intelligent human beings we must be in control of our actions and guide our children efficiently. It is very difficult indeed, but then whoever said parenting was easy.
By Mayuri Jayasinghe
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