Your parenting line has been temporarily “disconnected”

As our tiny babies utter their first “goo’s” and “gaa’s”, we wait patiently with baited breath for these sounds to turn into actual words. An actual word is welcomed with immense uproar and celebration and thus begins our children’s verbose. As they get the hang of using sounds and making words, we cherish the first little conversations had. Our hearts melt at the first “Hello’s” or the “the first I love you’s”. Infact the chitter chatter gets so frequent that we wonder if it will ever stop!

Having an open communication with your child is very important. Obviously some children are more responsive and eagerly communicate to us all that is happening in their days, whilst other children’s personalities are such that trying to get any information out of them is like getting water from a stone. Children need to feel emotionally safe to expresses their feelings to you. This means that they must feel that if they express what they think and feel they will not be reproached if it doesn’t meet your expectations. When that freedom of expression is lost within the household, then your child starts to shut down and loose the connection with yourself.

As parents we always mean well, we want our children to be safe and to do well in everything. With this immense positive desire for our child, we sometimes forget to accept then for who they really are, shortfalls and all. Instead of being patient we instead criticize, lament, scold and eventually punish hoping that such behavior will not occur again. Thus the child who feels that they are constantly criticized or rejected tends to put a lot of effort into hiding their wrong doing. They will resort to cheating, lying and even stealing so that the truth is hidden away from your critical and watchful eye. They start to shut down, putting up emotional barriers against you, and they also start resenting your involvement. This creates barriers in the parent to child relationship which sooner or later manifests as aggression, sulking, defiance or plainly refusing to listen.

There are of course many ways to prevent such a situation. It is best to start at the very beginning. Traditional methods of parenting involve scolding or punishing the child for doing something bad. Spare the rod and spoil the child is ingrained in Sri Lankan parenting, I am a victim to it myself. But this doesn’t address the underline emotional reasons why she or he did what they did in the first place. Therefore the child will repeat such behavior and be punished once again, to the point that they will they start to engage in the bad behavior without your acknowledgment for they know that they will only get into trouble. Therefore to stop this behavior, one should address the emotional reasons as to why the child is engaging such behavior initially. Had there been a change in the family dynamics, is there some disturbances at school, is the children feeling unloved etc..all these are issues to look into rather than blindly punishing a child who is desperately seeking your help.

Also it is very important to allow our children to express their voice, their feelings, their thoughts and ideas, even if we feel we are older and wiser and more knowledgeable of the situation. By allowing your child to express their ideas, you are showing to them that what they feel and think is important to you and you are willing to take it under consideration rather than enforcing your parental might, you are showing them that their opinion matters as well. This gives confidence to the child and only strengthens the parent to child relationship.

Children will always get in trouble, this is how they grow and move through life. As parents our first reaction is to admonish and ask questions later. Hold back on this, we tend to use phrases like “You should have listened to me in the first place” or “This is your fault, now deal with the consequences” to name a few. This doesn’t really help a child you is already is in distraught state. He or she is looking to you for guidance and support, at that moment be there for them. Later once the chaos has passed, maybe quietly express to them how it could have been handled better. In this way you are not shutting out your child completely and you still maintaining that close bond.

Parenting over the years has taken many twists and turns. In the olden days it was right to punish the child and except it never to happen again. But times are different, parents are different and societal expectations vary as well. Keeping that channel between parent and child open is very important indeed. A positive relationship built in the formative years can grow and flourish when your children are adults. It is a dream to strive to with a passion. Happy Parenting!

By Mayuri Jayasinghe