According to the experts too much of “Mother” is never a good thing for a child. As you can see the operative word used here is Mother, because this condition seems to affect the mother more than the father. Now what exactly is smothering? Smothering as defined in the Oxford dictionary is to suffocate, to stifle to have an overwhelming effect. As over zealous parents we can inadvertently become smotherers ourselves with regards to our children. Yes we feel we are keeping our child's best interests at heart, but in actuality there are times when our children would like their own independence, the ability to make their own decisions, without the constant mother figure hovering in the background.

Sometimes we find it very hard to distinguish the fine line between positively mothering your child to becoming a hindrance causing smothering parent. In actuality when you smother your child you cause more damage than good. In helping your children becoming more responsible for themselves is to give them the freedom to grow and to become better adults in the future, with having a hovering mother nearby ALWAYS to fight every battle that step into adulthood is lost and you have done more harm than good.

Here are a few examples of what smothering is, this will hopefully highlight at what instance you have to step back and let your child take the lead for once.

1. The rescuing mother: This is worst of the smothering kind. We have all seen that mother who is ever present, hovering on the school grounds arriving an hour earlier before school pick, always by the pool side, tennis court etc...even to the point of hovering outside the child's class in some extreme cases. She is always there to defend her child whether on the school ground or in any other situation. She does not like to see her child upset in anyway and will end up fighting their battles for them. In fact my child fell victim to one such smothering mother who decided to come in the middle of a friendly altercation between a group of my child's classmates in which her child was one of them. The children were all having fun some verbally and even physically teasing each other and rather than let the children be she had decided to intervene because SHE had not liked the way my child has reacted to her child. Therefore shouting at my child and thus making a mockery of herself and ruining the fun that the children were having. Thinking she was acting in the correct manner, she had instead made things worse for her child, because he was now the constant ridicule of his classmates, who opted to leave him alone in case his mother decided to admonish them for a wrong word said.

2. Step back: This is not always easy to do when you feel that your child is in distress. But rather than step in and try and fight your child's battles be there as a supportive shoulder. Talk to them through the problem, encourage to find solutions to the problem, be it with their fellow classmates, with a difficult teacher etc. Your immediate reaction might be to show up at school ready to fight battle, but it is not your battle to fight, step back and give your child space.

3. Listen don't talk: As your child tells them their problem, be it with regards to school, teen issues or even burdens as growing young adults. Your first reaction should not be always to tell them how things should be done or what they could have done differently. Your child might not be looking for advice but instead someone to listen to what they just wanted to get off their chest. If you are such a parent who disregards the child's views on the matter and forces your own ideas, them this mode of smothering will not make your child closer to you but drive them further apart.

4. Do not embarrass: The views and opinions of their peers in their growing years is very important to a child. Children should enjoy their childhood, preventing them watching TV because you think its bad, not letting them eat Popsicles because you are worried about the unhealthiness or not letting them taking part in contact sports because you fear for their safety are just your own fears strangling their childhood. Children listen because they know nothing else and obviously they do not want to displease the parent, however you beguilingly persuade yourselves saying “I do what the children want”. This is not the case. Just let children be children and fit in with their peers. They only have one childhood let them live it.

Smothering is indeed an ugly aspect of parenting. This only results in “mommy's boys” as society labels them, children who are really inadequate at making any decisions for themselves. For how long will you hover in your child's corner, at some point they will leave and in cases when you smother them this will be sooner than you like. Smothering is a disease that we have created ourselves, with the victim being our innocent children. Step back, leave the corner, go home read a book, get your own life and just occasionally leave your children alone. They will be fine, they will be alright just give them a chance to grow!

By Mayuri Jayasinghe