I think it is safe to say that our children’s views on respect differ greatly from what we practised when we were growing up. My grandmother’s famous phrase was ‘Children should be seen and not heard’ and most of the time I hardly uttered a squeak, out of respect, amongst the presence of my older relatives. My children on the other hand have different views on the matter. They are loud, they are opinionated and they secretly laugh in the face of acceptable decorum.
They are not shy to speak their minds for many a time the grandparents are severely admonished if they spend too much time cooing at the baby rather than listening to another of their school related fiascos. My children always have to have the first and last word and being meek and humble are alien characteristics in their everyday behaviour. Of course this comfortable behaviour is usually with the immediate relatives but I shudder to think what extended family would say after a visit to our house..jpg)
It makes me wonder; is respect only a characteristic that should be practised by children? I believe as adults we should also show our children the respect that they deserve. In your old age, do not lament, when you feel abandoned by your children. For if you had shown some mutual respect to them as they were growing up they would regard your care as a necessity rather than a chore. Parents and children will always have tensions, but handling those arguments and disagreements in a sensible manner protects relationships in the long run. Here are some ways to get the balance right:
As parents we obviously know more than our children, having life experiences to draw from, but when we use our elevated positions to always dominate them from what they should wear, eat, think and do, we are not practising mutual respect for each other. Children feel trapped and would rather escape from your clutches than be around an individual who doesn’t accept them for themselves. It is important as your children get older, to hold back on the constant needling and allow them to make their own decisions in life. You can guide them, support them and they will in fact respect your advice rather than reject it.
A family that strives to practise ‘mutual respect’ is in fact a close family. To blend love, high expectations and respect into the parenting equation is a sure-fire way to get it right. Children appreciate the autonomy you give them in making decisions and respecting those choices. This strengthens their bond with you and establishes that close parenting relationship which lasts into adulthood.
Also when children feel that they are respected for their opinions, this develops a healthy flow of communication between child and adult. When children are not constantly put down or belittled or even ridiculed for their thoughts they feel confident to confide in you. Maintaining an open flow of communication through the practice of mutual respect is vital in any successful parent and child relationship.
When parents and children respect each other, conflict resolution is more easier to establish. When each is aware of their thoughts and feeling on the conflict then they are more reasonable to meet each other halfway. If a parent dictates rules and regulations not allowing any input from the children, more animosity is created.
Since they are our children we sometimes forget that they are also individual human beings and the need to protect and shelter them is strong. Being the adults, we feel that they are not experienced enough to deal with the chaos of life, but if we are open to their choices we show them that we respect who they are and this in fact encourages our children to make the right decisions. In order to receive respect, you must give it, start with your children.
By Mayuri Jayasinghe
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