The common perception is that children are quite stalwart creatures, emotionally. When they are toddlers their emotions are a rollercoaster ride, one minute they might be screaming their eyes out over a broken toy and a perplexed you might think how this child is going to survive the next twenty years with this emotional tragedy, whilst the next minute they are screaming with joy as they blow soap bubbles, favourite toy all forgotten.
Realistically as we mature we simply do not have an on off button for our emotions. As adults we remember joy, sadness, hurt feelings, embarrassments and sometimes we relive these emotions very vividly irrespective of time. Emotions aren’t also always cut and dry, they can be a multitude of perplexing feelings and thoughts, sometimes leaving us puzzled as to how we feel. This is even more difficult when you are a growing child who is unable to pinpoint exactly how you feel and rather than say how you feel you channel these feelings into actions, which can sometimes be good or most times be detrimental to self and others.
Learning to control one's feelings is an important lesson in childhood. Children react in different ways to certain situations and rather than saying how they feel they mostly act out their feelings. Showing a destructive behaviour might actually mean that the child is upset about something and is unable to deal with the hurt and disappointment. It doesn’t always mean that the child is bad. Saying that their tummies hurt or that they don’t feel well, might mean that there’s nothing physically wrong with the child except maybe that they are anxious and nervous. In such a way we have to help them articulate how they feel and they themselves might be surprised at the outcome.
Here are some ways to help your child control his inner emotional self
1. Children need to learn how to express their feelings in any social setting and it is imperative that they learn to express it in socially acceptable behaviour. One of the first ways of helping smaller children along is to do it yourself. For example using phrases like “I am so happy that you shared your toy with me” or “I’m excited to see the picture you’ve drawn”, helps mimic your behaviour. This gives them the guidelines of how to verbally express how they feel.
2. Ensure that children are given clear explanations as to why unacceptable behaviour is not acceptable. For example “Hitting hurts, we don’t like hitting”.
3. Praise children when you see them engaging in some socially acceptable behaviour, like “That was very kind of your to help your friend open his lunchbox or pick up his toy etc”
4. Sometimes you have to let the child wallow in that feeling; for example tell them it’s okay to cry if they are upset rather than throw their toys about because they are sad.
We can also use tools and other modes to help the child express how he feels:
1. Getting children involved in drama and helping them act out their feelings is a cathartic way of getting the child to express himelf.
2. Have a quiet and aesthetically comfortable area for the child to relax and calm any feelings of anxiousness, anger and nervousness.
3. Also encourage children to engage in sports, sometimes children can be great storers of bountiful amounts of energy, and giving them a positive outlet to express it is a win-win for all concerned.
4. Having a puppet or doll to role play how your child is feeling is a quick way to get to the root of any problem. Sometimes direct questioning doesn’t always work and getting children to draw how they feel or even show a picture is a much easier way of dealing with a situation and the appropriate feelings.
Life is a constant learning process and even we as adults are constantly learning. Children are uncharted territories and we are the ones who are instrumental in showing them the correct path. It is important though for us to help our children from the beginning - to help our children with their feelings, otherwise ignored issues lead to bad behaviour and over the years established unacceptable behaviour becomes a norm and this is detrimental to the child and others. Just express yourselves!
Text by Mayuri Jayasinghe
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