The other day I was at a family event where I met various family members of all shapes and sizes after a long period of time. They all ‘cooed’ and ‘ahhhed’ at our latest addition to the family and congratulated me on how pleased they were that I had four children. Apparently it was an unheard phenomenon in this day and time to be blessed with so many. I was extremely touched with their good wishes, but I thought 'Is that it?!' Would no one volunteer to watch the baby, entertain the older kids so that their playing will not descend into fist fights, or maybe even look after all the kids so my husband and I could actually act like a married couple and have an evening to ourselves.
Unfortunately these thoughts never dawned on anyone and they all went home satiated with the evening of food and laughter and I of course was left holding the baby, all alone, as usual. What about the grandparents, you ask. Unfortunately my parents in their old age have decided to adopt extremely busy lifestyles and to ask them to watch the kids for an evening has to be planned months in advance, with constant reminders. My in-laws are no better, in the last babysitting session my mother-in-law conveniently left my four year old with the constantly inebriated caretaker whilst she went out on a random errand. Yes it actually happened and I was extremely traumatised by what could have happened to my child.
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But, you ask, why did you choose to have so many children, is it not your problem to deal with?A fair question, but my article today is NOT about the number of children you have but instead the disintegration of the ‘wholesome’ family unit. As a child when I think back to my early days living in Sri Lanka, I remember having a multitude of family members in the house. My grandmother always had various old cousins and aunts who would come for a visit and stay for a couple of days.
I would delightfully watch in wonderment as the kitchen was a buzz with their cooking and gossiping. I felt safe, secure and loved in theirpresence.These moments hardly exist nowadays. I have many friends who raise their children on their own, who have the odd nanny or instead commit their children to daytime nurseries for the lack of any other help. In fact my own children are raised by nannies and are closer to them than they are to their own relatives.
This, I feel, is a sorry state of affairs. One of the novelties of living in Sri lanka is to be to be closer to extended family. Children flourish and grow listening to old family tales, one of my favorite pastimes was to sit at my grandfather’s feet listening to stories of the bygone days, mostly embellished for my little ears.
As parents raising children, it helps to have other family members providing some support whilst we navigate these choppy ‘parenting’ seas. For one is not born a parent; it is an act you perfect as you go along and any help and guidance is beneficial. There are several moments when the house is a dump and the children are bored and screaming their lungs out; what I wouldn’t do for an extra pair of hands to give me time to soothe out my harried nerves and face the screaming crowd that is my children.
But my husband and I are alone in this endeavour. Every morning we wake up, put on our parenting armour and soldier on with another arduous parenting day. Some days it amazes me that we are husband and wife, for our whole world revolves around kids. I can’t remember the last time we selfishly did anything by ourselves.
Fortunately for me, I do have good help, but of course they come with limitations. Their love and care for my children stops at five o clock, doesn’t get revived on holidays and also only if their remuneration is duly met. But I figure this is better than nothing. For those readers who have the odd family member living with you, consider yourself lucky.
There might be some days where you wish they were gone for their interference is driving you crazy, but take solace for at least they are there, and in emergencies you can rely on them. From a parent who does it alone, I envy you tremendously. It takes a village to raise a child, unfortunately many occupants in my village have left for better pastures.
By Mayuri Jayasinghe
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