Living with a Porcupine
There amidst the peaceful serenity of your house, hidden behind closed doors of rooms filled with One Direction posters, Twilight sagas stacked in corners to iPods twinkling out Taylor Swift's defiant love songs, sits your moody pre-teen child. The once beautiful cherubic, butter would not melt in their mouths babe has grown up. In the early carefree days full of love and laughter, they adored you, you were their hero and you couldn't say a bad word or do a wrong deed. But time indeed waits for no man, and before you could have your fill of baby gurgles, toddler tickles and quirky childish play, you have been whisked through time to the dark ages faced by any parenting adult, the teenage years.
The moody pre-teen is a scientific specimen, much to be studied and cataloged, A sort of mix between porcupine and human, their quills quivering at every word you were about to say or might have even thought of saying. They are angry, everything and everybody is annoying and the world is against them is much the philosophy of their existence. Now dear parents who have just tucked their newborns into bed and wonder what drivel this writer has concocted yet again, you have been warned. It will happen to all of us. Though, it is not the end of the world, and you will get your sensible child back in their later years. But until then this porcupine, an apt comparison, needs to nurtured, to be tamed and to be tactfully dealt with.
Being human ourselves, our patience will severely be tested at the complexity of the said porcupine child. Your love, your worthlessness as a parent and your novel ability to ruin their life will be be brought up for discussion all because you said they possibly could not have a biscuit before dinner. Why?, What? How come? Are several unanswered questions that might go through your mind. But neither is at fault. You are not a bad parent and your child has not suddenly become a social delinquent do not fear the worst, as we all Sri Lankan mothers famously do. Compare parenting to a long road trip, this little phase is when you've veered off the highway and on to pothole riddled village road. We are able to cross it, but it will be hard and we have to be the wiser of the two. Sometimes our immediate reaction is to retaliate back, is to punish and to shout. Experts have advised that this is not the best way to deal with the situation. Or to avoid confrontations we completely unplug from the situation, the preteen is not asked to do anything in case of attack and thus is left to their own devices which is still the incorrect way to address the behaviour.
Here are a few ways to deal with the tumultuous preteen:
1. Much of the confrontations, come from when the preteen is asked to conform to the rules set down by the parent. As children they still need you guidance so they still need to listen to your rules. If your child is angry about the restrictions put down. Ask them to leave the room, or you leave the room, anger is going to escalate the problem with no solution. Once everyone is calm then address the situation once again.
2. Unlike punishments, set down limits and conditions. Unless homework and studies are done, there is no phone or x-box. Your preteen will definitely not be happy, but stand your ground and through time it will work.
3. Do not allow your pre-teen to demand for things and follow that with unruly behaviour if their wishes are not met. Relate to them that they need to ask politely and insolence will not be rewarded.
4. In this phase of their lives, the preteen will feel that their friends are more closer than family. Do not get upset by it, this is a phase after all. But be vary of the group of friends they associate with. As the parent you still have an influence over who they see or not, for such young impressionable minds can easily be corrupted. Be tactful of how you limit these visits, a straight forward no will not readily be accepted.
Your preteen, a complex mix of hormones and confused whiffs of Independence, is still your baby at the end of the day. They do not hate you, but instead need your guidance and love much more during this phase. Don't be afraid of the porcupine quills, they might sting but they don't leave long lasting scars. Hug your pre-teen, they need help.
By Mayuri Jayasinghe
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