Last week my husband had to go abroad on work. Usually we’re a close family and we take our children everywhere, but on this one occasion he had to venture on his own leaving us behind. Even though it was for a few days, the girls cried and screamed about how much they will miss their father only to be consoled by the thought of all the goodies that he would bring on his return.
My husband and son, being the only males in the family are very close and thus take comfort in each other’s positions as the minorities in the household. Bafflingly my son’s reaction to his father’s departure was quite different from the girls, instead of being outwardly sad, he took on an aggravated front and refused to see his father off.
I knew he was upset because as he woke up that day he told me ‘ It’s a sad day today since Dad’s off’. But unable to deal with his feelings, he decided to assume a ‘don’t care attitude. That was his way of dealing with his sadness.
According to the experts ‘Emotional Regulation’ is the ability by which a child is able to process a range of emotions due to a situation and react to it with the correct emotion. So the age old adage of big boys don’t cry is delinquent. Everyone is human and despite our age should be given the freedom to express our feelings. Even from a young age society dictates how boys should react emotionally. I’m guilty of saying boys shouldn’t cry to my son if he’s got himself in a fix. But why is it acceptable for my girls to occasionally have an off day where they will cry just for the heck of it, whilst my son who is genuinely upset has to bottle up his feelings.
As with every aspect of their lives children, especially boys, needed to be taught how to cope with these feelings and express them in a positive way that will help them grow emotionally. Here are some ways of helping big boys to cry:
In helping your son express his feelings, give your child your undivided attention. Boys have a tendency to talk whilst they are doing something else. So even if you are in his room with no other distractions, do not force him to stop playing with his train tracks just to get him to talk.
Once alone time between you and son has been found, then slowly cajole him to express his feelings. Avoid teasing and shaming. Don’t go on about how embarrassing it is for a big boy to cry in public. That is what society has taught us to say, BUT in fact never addresses the problem at hand.
Don’t prematurely push him to be independent. Our children will always be our children, whatever their age. True at some point you will have to cut the chord and let them blossom into independent adults. But take it slow when they are children. Little boys have big shoulders to grow into, carry some of the weight for them along the way and don’t let them grow up too soon.
Make your son understand that infact crying and letting out their feelings is a good thing. Teach them not to be scared of feelings of hurt and sadness, expressing anger does not negate the hurt. Teach them to welcome their sadness, to let it grip them emotionally and allow it to be released through tears, this is a healthy way of learning to feel an emotion and internally deal with it. For such feelings will not feel alien next
time around.
Boys are such mystical creatures. They come pre-equipped with the mould to be knights in shining armour with their psyche compelling them to maintain a stiff upper lip at all times, when infact emotionally they are a crumbling mess. Help them take control of these feelings and teach them to grow up to be the men that we would want to marry someday. Big boys should cry.
By Mayuri Jayasinghe
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