Hiding from the Attention Seekers

Bringing up my babies and constantly being at their beck and call, I would wistfully take comfort in the fact that as they got older they would find ways of keeping themselves occupied. How ignorant was my thinking. Fast forward ten years and my older two still require constant guidance and feedback from me. Go and read a book results in multiple updates, their opinions on the author or constant deciphering of difficult words being hurled my way. At which point I am ready to throw the book out the window. Now of course, this doesn’t adhere to every child, the younger ones, given their personalities will tinker away at a puzzle or get lost in their make up world of dolls and fairies, blissfully giving me a moment of rest to NOT be on call. It makes me wonder though, are the older two taking up so much of my attention that the younger have just adhered to the environment. Experts say that children crave only the amount of attention that you give. Give them lots of attention they crave more, give them little and they expect less. Could that be right?...have I created attention seeking monsters?

It is normal for children to seek the attention of their parents. By seeking your attention they are asking for your approval. But this search for attention can get out of hand. It becomes controlling and manipulative towards the parents. Children of all ages can seek attention in different ways. Younger children will be prone to more tantrums whilst older children will nag and be disobedient. As a parent, it is up to us to determine how much attention to give to your child. With our busy lives we need to strike a balance between how much attention we can give and how much attention our children want. Attention is divided into three types:

a) Positive attention: this is where we give positive feedback and praise the child when they are good.
b) Negative attention: this is when you give your children attention for misbehaving.
c) No attention: which speaks for itself where we are too busy to give attention to our children.

How we use this attention is how our children display their behaviour. For example, if two children are playing quietly and agreeably, without fighting, we will not say anything. There is no praise or reward given with respect to the children’s good behaviour. The minute they start to fight or create a lot of noise the parent will rush in and try and sort the problem, this is responding with negative attention. Children are always seeking a parent’s attention, we are their rock and they are constantly looking towards us for approval. Thus when they get no attention, when they are being good then they act bad to get a reaction from us. Paying no attention to your children because you are busy is a sad state of affairs. Your child will quite soon drift away from you and might also engage in delinquent behaviour to get some feedback from you.

Equipped with this knowledge, now to tackle the problem at hand. If your children test your patience and demand your attention constantly, here are some ways to survive the hard times:

1. Increase the positive attention given. Praise them when they are doing something quietly by themselves.
2. Ignore bad behaviour. Obviously your child is acting out to get your attention. Depending on the situation do not get phased by your child’s bad behaviour. The screaming will stop at some point.
3. Teach your child to ask what they want in a more appropriate way, say if they want to talk to you about the book they are reading, then ten minutes of chatting and the rest of the time should be spent at the task at hand, not every five minute interruptions.
4. Set special time with each parent: Sometimes children just need to spend time with you and get it out of their system. Make sure to spend one on one time with each parent.
5. Try and watch your language: Sometime words like “NO”, “CAN’T”, “WE’LL SEE” often triggers negative attention seeking behaviour.

Watch how you respond to your child’s requests sometimes, you just might be able to stop bad behaviour before it starts.
Therefore with a full stretch of summer holidays before, I will not be able to do what I usually do and that is hide from my attention seekers. I guess in a way I am glad that they seek my attention rather than not, but it can all be done in a more agreeable manner, where I do not usually lose my patience. Good luck with this recent parenting challenge, whoever said parenting in the park!

By Mayuri Jayasinghe