“Attached” at the HIP!
Having children ranging from ages one to nine, attachment parenting is a lifestyle I adopt wholeheartedly. I am there at the crack of dawn, toothpicks holding eyelids up, to accompany the older one for swimming, to greet the six year old after class, to wait patiently through my son’s vocal classes and quite tiredly to finish off the day with intermittent midnight visits with the toddler. It is simply quite an exhausting ride to be an attached parent. At what point does attachment parenting navigate into the territory of over involved parent?. How long will I be able to keep the candle burning on both ends? Motherhood is supposed to be a joyous journey not a chore to be suffered through.
Attachment parenting is a phrase coined by psychologists to describe the close emotional bond that some parents have with their children. This emotional bond starts well before the child is born and continues on through their adolescent years. The parent will always have the child’s welfare at the forefront. Rather than let the crying baby settle by themselves, the parent will be there offering support, rather than duly punishing toddlers for their unwelcome tantrums, the parent will rather give into the child’s needs and rather than accept that your child might have behavioral issues that need to be corrected the concerned parent will also side with the child and look towards others for blame.
Don’t get me wrong to some extent one must be a caring, loving parent and I think in Sri Lankan society we tend to be very hands on parents. But is it really necessary to be so thoroughly involved?; for we tend to put ourselves through a tremendous amount of hardship to please very child concerned, foregoing careers, ignoring relationships, straining our health, we are at our child’s beck and call. We must approach it intelligently and get the balance right for after all being a parent is beautiful vocation and we must rejoice in it rather than whine about it. Here are some ways to become a more unattached parent.
1. Attachment parenting is not entirely an ‘evil’ method of parenting, infact studies have shown that those babies who are shown a lot of emotional support during their newborn stage, do thrive into being more settled babies. But as the mindboggling stage of the toddler rears its head, if you have been practicing attachment parenting then you cannot moan and lament over your child’s lack of independence, clinginess and so forth. You might be looking forward to being less involved BUT have you sent your child the memo so to speak? It must be a gradually process of slowly letting go and giving your child the ability for them to thrive without your constant guidance. It might be little things, like being rocked to sleep or does Mummy really need to be by the nursery gate etc but these are situations that you can slowly extricate yourself from and allow your child to grow.
2. When our child is born we all go through sudden desires to never leave their sight, to also have them at your first and foremost thoughts. But to what extend can you continue this as they grow into toddlers, children and finally adults. At some point the unconditional love becomes a stifling mass of emotions that your child would rather run away from rather than run to. Of course always be there for you child, as they grow older, but learn to step back on certain things and give them the independence to live their lives.
3. Attachment parenting is practiced always at the sacrifice of other relationships, for being at your child’s beck and call is a 24/7 project. Spouses are made to wait for the child’s requirements supersedes everyone’s needs and wants. This is not a healthy attitude to adopt, out children are precious but so are other members of the family.
4. Having continuously spent all these years mollycoddling and pushing your child along there comes a times when you are physically unable to do it, at that point your child will not have learnt any life lessons to go forth on their own, at this point you’ve done your child more harm than good.
Once you’re comfortable with a certain style of parenting, it is not easy to change it, but if you fear that you do practice attachment parenting, then it is still at early stages to seriously analyze how well it is affecting your family. Having a large brood of my own, attachment parenting them all is not something I can physically do and I am always striving to make my parenting more easier than harder. My children will have to start fending for themselves.
By Mayuri Jayasinghe
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