As parents we are constantly under pressure to hold our children under extreme scrutiny and correct any faults that we see or find. From how they sit at the dinner table to how they blow their noses, talk to their elders, do their homework, unknown to us, as parents, we are faulting and correcting at every turn. As babies and later toddlers our children turn towards us for guidance and security, despite our constant scrutiny, they accept our ways. But as they grow and their own thoughts, ideas and personalities emerge, the ever present wagging of finger and scrutinizing eye of parent becomes tedious and resented. We scream modes of acceptance and they scream back their refusals and nothing is achieved but anger, disharmony and tainted relationships. At some point they will stop forgiving and deep rooted feelings of anger will turn into resentment. 

Of course it is any parent’s given right to correct a child, but when they scream “I hate you Mum” just because the child was asked to adhere to bedtimes rather than stay up to watch rounds of TV, it proves to be quite a dilemma for any parent. For of course it is our responsibility to have some  decorum in the household, proper mealtimes, specific bedtimes, studying sessions etc have to be coordinated, organized and carried out despite the feelings of our children. It also saddens me to think that we have to resort to extreme shouting and threatening to achieve any sort of obedience from our children. There has to be a better more peaceful way to get your child to listen to and still maintain the peace in the house. According to the experts one can live in a house where discipline is unnecessary but still have obedient children. The trick apparently is to build a closer relationship with your child, through the practice of love and deeper level of communication, parents can bring up children without resorting to adverse tactics.

Here are ways of achieving this magical phenomenon. 

1. Apparently setting up a strong bond from when your child is born helps build a close relationship in future years. Taking that time to closely be with your baby from the beginning instigates the feeling of closeness from parent to child and thus helps elevate troubled relationships in the future. 

2. Any relationship, even parent and child needs work. Biologically we are programmed to love our children from the get go. But this should not be taken for granted, it shouldn’t always be I am the parent and you are the child mode of thinking. The successful parent to child relationship requires work from both parties. 

3. Trust, encourage and respect your child. The easy way to parent is to set out rules and make sure your children follow them. In the infancy years this might work since your children are intimidated by the consequences of insolent behaviour, but in the long run the consequences are disastrous. For how long can you dole out orders without receiving some negativity? Trust your child from beginning, give them responsibility and show them you have trust in them. Encourage them in anything they do and definitely respect the choices they make. This is a solid foundation for a truly beautiful relationship. 

4. There are always rifts between parents and children, we will never meet eye to eye in certain things. If an argument does happen, remember as the parent to take the upper hand in the matter. Stop for a second and step back from the argument. Take a deep breath, let the hurt go and consciously lower your voice, try to imagine how a kid who is hurt will feel, respond calmly and consciously. 

5. If arguments occur, never let them continue, solve rifts and move on, life is too short to wallow about what our children said or didn’t in the heat of an argument. 

6. Always be available for your children with open lines of communication. Try and imagine the frustration a child would feel in a specific heated arguments. As children they are helpless to the actions of their parents, they feel frustrated, angry and hurt, however much they are wrong, in their eyes they are always right and the parent is the evil one. Keeping that in mind analyze the situation from your child’s point of view and gently help them understand. 

It is important to work on and cultivate good relationships with your children, for they are the most important assets you will have. In the middle of discontentment, anger and frustration remember that glorious bundle of joy you brought home and silently vowed to protect till your last breath. Remember that instant, love and joy you felt, therefore however much your children irritate you the above points are a must try to strengthen any affected relationship. It’s never too late to start. 

By Mayuri Jayasinghe