If you are an only child, you may often find that you are labelled as someone who is selfish, self- centered, have trouble sharing, compromising  and  is not sociable. The conclusion of the Only Child Syndrome according to an article on healthline.com was that children without siblings possessed a long list of negative behvioural traits. However,  It goes to add that whilst the only child syndrome has made its way into popular culture it is also largely unfounded. 

Since the 1970’s, however according to the article it seems that perhaps the majority of only child studies have debunked the existence of a “syndrome.” More recent research has shown that being an only child doesn’t necessarily make you different from a peer with siblings. On the contrary most only children have stronger bonds with their parents are independent and selfless. We spoke to some only children.

Tina Gunawardhana 

What are some of the challenges you face as an only child? I was very fortunate to grow up with cousins as in comparison to others I had a very nomadic upbringing. My parents who were living in the UK sent me to Sri Lanka at the age of six months and I was brought up by aunts and uncles whose children became the siblings I never had. They were older than me and were in their late teens when I came into their family so at times while they did their own thing I was left to my own devices and it was lonely at times.

However my cousin Rasika Leelananda Jayatunga who was the brainbox in the family had a suitcase of books under the bed. The books became my constant companions and provided me with worlds I could escape to. It also helped I had three lovely girls as neighbours who were my playmates and would keep me company. Even during my school days at Methodist College I had a close cohort of friends who made sure I never felt lonely while growing up.  I left home at 17 and made my own way in life. My upbringing shaped me to be a independent, fearless person who is not afraid to call a spade a spade. 

What are the advantages and disadvantages? Disadvantage is having to shoulder family responsibilities singlehandedly. I have really not dwelled on the advantages of being an only child. Of course I am thankful that I am an only child when I see siblings in other families fighting over wealth and material goods. As a young child there were times I resented being away from my parents however as I grew older I realised that my parents wanted me to experience Sri Lanka, learn the language and be at home with family here. On hindsight the pluses outweighed the minuses. 

What about the pressures of looking after elderly parents etc.? How do you cope with it? My mum died of cancer in the UK in 2019 and I was only able to spend two months with her that summer while she was undergoing radiotherapy. I was with her when she passed in December 2019. My inability to spend more time with her and care for her has left me with regrets. She had a good care system in place by way of her own sisters but as her only child I regret not being there for her during her treatment. 

How do you handle things like when it comes to looking after the family business? I am now left with my dad who is on the cusp of being a nonagenarian. He is very headstrong and likes to do his own thing. So I have to tread very carefully with him when it comes to helping him with his matters. As I live away from Sri Lanka I am also fearful about the “do gooders” who are trying in inveigle themselves into his good books to see what they can get from him! 

What are your views on ‘only child syndrome’ – do you feel it is a myth? For me it is a myth. I was brought in a loving family environment where my aunt and uncle were both school principals and were focused on education. Myself and my cousins were all treated equally and as I was the youngest yes I was much loved but my dad’s brother Leslie made sure my feet were very firmly on the ground. I learnt to share, to love and also feel empathy towards others because I lived with relatives and many people shaped my upbringing. 

Do you feel that being an only child affects your personality? I have always been fiercely independent. I think growing up away from my parents taught me from a young age that I had to fend for myself and stand up for myself too. This has also made me always stand up for what I believe is right. When I compare myself with my peers I feel as an only child and given the very independent upbringing I had I can look after myself in any situation. 

As an only child do you find yourself being called someone who is selfish, self- centered, someone who is spoilt etc? No one ever calls me that as those who know me I am the opposite of that! Yes my parents gave me everything I need  possibly as a means of making up for the fact that they were not with me. I remember saying I wanted a Noddy book once and then a few weeks later they had sent me the entire set of Noddy books. As I had a voracious appetite for reading they would send me whatever reading material I wanted. My uncle would take me to visit all our relatives irrespective of the social divide and that instilled in me the importance of treating everyone equally. 

Anything else you would like to say about being an only child? On the main I enjoyed being an only child. I did tell myself that I would always have two children but sadly nature decreed otherwise and I too have one child. They say an apple never falls far from the tree and I believe he is a lot like me independent and empathetic. I think a resilient nature is key to being an only child. 

Nishani Perera (Name changed)

What are some of the challenges you face as an only child? Feeling a sense of loneliness whilst growing up was a challenge for me, but since I had many cousins and friends it was not that bad.

What are the advantages and disadvantages? Well, a disadvantage would be not having a sense of companionship growing up, and thereby not having the skills to navigate close relationships as an adult. However, as long as you are aware of this, it’s possible to develop these skills later in life. Not being able to share memories of one’s childhood with a sibling is hard, once you become an adult. An advantage might be that you are more secure in knowing that you don’t have to fight for your parents affection or any other thing, since you are their only child.

What about the pressures of looking after elderly parents etc.?  How do you cope with it? Like in any situation, you find ways to cope and seek help, where it can be found. One way is leaning on friends and other family members who can offer the same level of support as a sibling.

How do you handle things like when it comes to looking after the family business? As an only child, as you can take decisions independently, in terms of a family business. In a sense this is easier as you get to choose who you run the business with, as opposed to when you have a sibling and you have no option but include them in the management of a business, though they may not be necessarily be the most suitable for the role.

What are your views on ‘only child syndrome’ – do you feel it is a myth? I do.

Do you feel that being an only child affects your personality? I don’t think I can comment, as I don’t know the alternative. However, I believe your personality has more to do with your external circumstances and how one is brought up.

As an only child do you find yourself being called someone who is selfish, self- centered, someone who is spoilt etc? Not really.

Anything else you would like to say about being an only child? Like everything in life, there are pros and cons to being an only child. And personally for me, I feel there are quite a few advantages!

Sarah De Silva (Name Changed)

What are some of the challenges you face as an only child? One of the main challenges I face as an only child is dealing with the pressure of being the sole focus of my parents expectations.  There’s no one to share the responsibility of meeting those expectations or to balance the attention. Additionally, when it comes to making major life decisions, I often feel the weight of having to make the “right” choice without the guidance or support of siblings.

What are the advantages and disadvantages?

Advantages

• I get all the attention and resources from my parents, which can be a great advantage. When I see how some families fight over inheritances, I’m glad I have no sibling.
• I have strong relationships with my parents and have developed a mature understanding of adult issues from a young age.
• I am able to be alone and am quite happy with my own company.

Disadvantages

• If you don’t have a good support structure having to shoulder all the family burdens can be daunting.
• If your decisions don’t align with those of your parents, the pressure to conform to their ways can be immense.

What about the pressures of looking after elderly parents etc.? How do you cope with it? The thought of looking after my elderly parents by myself is daunting. Thankfully I have a great support structure of family and friends whom I can use as a sounding board. Also having faith in God to see me through any challenges is a great source of comfort and strength. As a result I never feel alone.

What are your views on ‘only child syndrome’ – do you feel it is a myth?I believe that the idea of ‘only child syndrome’ is largely a myth. Many factors shape a person’s personality, and being an only child doesn’t automatically mean one will be selfish or spoiled. In fact, many only children, grow up to be empathetic, responsible, and socially adept while some with siblings can grow up to be extremely selfish.

Do you feel that being an only child affects your personality? Being an only child has definitely influenced my personality. I’m introverted and enjoy my own company. I’m also quite independent and self-motivated. I’ve also learned to value my relationships with friends deeply, as they often fill the role of siblings in my life.

As an only child do you find yourself being called someone who is selfish, self-centered, someone who is spoilt etc? While I cannot say that I’ve never been selfish or self-centered I don’t believe I’ve ever been called out on those accounts because I’m an only child. Most often people are surprised to learn I’m an only child because I don’t fit the stereotype. I think they sometimes find me aloof as I’m not very talkative.

Anything else you would like to say about being an only child? Being an only child has its unique set of challenges and advantages. While I sometimes wish I had siblings to share experiences with, I’m grateful for the independence and strong bond with my parents that being an only child has fostered. Each person’s experience is different, and being an only child doesn’t define who I am—it’s just one aspect of my life.

By Kshalini Nonis