Are YOU that Infuriating Facebook Couple? 

We think couples are adorable. Really, we do! Their warm fuzzy insides seem to emanate that happy glow and their contentment is infectious. Everyone’s happy. End of story. Or is it?

Coupledom seems to do weird things to people. Many initiates - both new and returning - can’t seem to deny the lure of the dark side of this peculiar cult. Within seconds of having been initiated into “Couplesville" these inhabitants are consumed by an uncontrollable urge to obsessively blog and upload every millisecond of their lives to a seemingly make belief world that apparently consists of an interested - and obviously voyeuristic - audience. “Privacy” is viewed as an aberration.

Alas, we believe it is our duty as concerned and responsible denizens of the Internet, to enlighten our disillusioned brethren of said cult: We REALLY don’t care about your awesome, loved-up lives. Period. We may hit that "Like" button once. Out of courtesy. Which does not translate to an invitation to go overboard with the sharing. A prurient society, we are not. Neither are we interested in having a relentless outpouring of couple-centric updates shoved down our throats on a daily basis. With social media at their disposal many couples are an unstoppable force, and are the reason our newsfeeds are flooded with selfies for every "Day-versary" to vague and sometimes dramatic or passive aggressive status updates - "SOMEONE is totally being an insensitive jerk today!"

Empathetic as we are, we also understand that cult members can be ditzy and clueless if not downright ignorant. So we went ahead a compiled a list, if you may, to help you identify as either annoying or acceptable. You're welcome. Ergo, if you and your SO (significant other) are guilty of two or more of the offenses mentioned below - You need to stop. Take it down a notch. Actually, make that a couple of notches. Because not only does it indicate that you overstepped that thin line between sharing and oversharing, but also that you've done so by a GINORMOUS margin.

So, on a scale of 1 to TMI (too much information), how annoying are you?

Offense: Joint account

Might as well morph into one being, while you're at it. Also, whose birthday is March 28? Or are we to believe that as one entity, you now share the same birthday?

Offense: Posting on each other’s walls 24/7

Dear couple, you’ll probably be surprised to know that in this modern day and age, there exist a plethora of options for “private” communication that doesn't necessarily have to be shared for the viewing pleasure of every man, woman and their pet. Just so we’re clear - SO’s FB wall does NOT constitute as a platform for sharing messages better shared in private via text message, IM, Whatsapp, Viber. Or better yet, in person!

Offense: Posting a milestone for EVERYTHING

So you’ve been a couple for 6 days, 11 hours and 59 minutes and 59 seconds. Great. Also, that is NOT a milestone. Just so you know, I still use the same Gameboy I used when I was younger. Take that, poster of insignificant milestones!

Offense: ALL social media accounts = live feed

7.00 am: Just woke up next to this beautiful human! 7.05 am: It's so much fun doing random things like brushing teeth with the person you love! 7.15 am: Aww!! Bae made me an amazing breakfast! Your daily routine is not an equivalent of an Apple product launch live feed. PS. You’ve just been unfriended.

Offense: Constantly gushing over each other

Keyboard diarrhoea in general is annoying. Keyboard diarrhoea that sees you gushing over SO in EVERY platform like “I love him soo much!” “She makes my world go round” “Omg, I’m the luckiest girl in the world!” is not cute. How hard is it for you to look over your phone or laptop and just tell them to their face? They're right in front of you for crying out loud!!!

Offense: PDA Selfies

Engaging in PDA in real life will probably elicit reactions such as “Get a room!” and “Gross” from passersby. The Internet is no different. No one wants to see your R rated shenanigans on our news feeds. If we wanted porn we’d probably check out Pornhub or something. But seriously, Get a room!

Offense: There’s no I in We

It seems like the minute you enter coupledom, you lose your sense of individual identity. You comment on all our statuses and pictures a la “we love that pic” or “we think Fido is adorbs!” Uh, last time I checked your boyfriend HATED my dog, so obviously “we” don’t think Fido is a baller!

Offense: Matching clothes/tattoos

It is nauseating beyond belief when couples start dressing like twins. You guys aren’t twins, and even twins don’t dress the same unless they’re like FIVE! Having said that, it's a free world. If matching clothes floats your boat, so be it. And flaunting it on Facebook once - or twice at the most - is acceptable. Beyond that it's just annoying.

Offense: Oversharing

You share every single sordid detail about your relationship so much so that we become involuntary participants of sorts in the movie that is your life. We'd appreciate the heads up and/or details if we were your stalker. But we're not.

By Rihaab Mowlana