Think you know em? Then you've got another think coming!! With “I Mustache You a Question” we take you inside the heads of people you know and love! 

Ashok Ferrey (Writer) 

1. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? 

I practise my smiley face in the mirror – for the benefit of those clients who arrive at 5.45 in the morning for their personal training session. The exercising is easy; the smile at that hour is the hard part. 

2. What’s your go-to comfort food? 

Yellow rice and chicken curry. 

3. What’s the one word you are guilty of using too often? 

‘Oh, sorry!’ I even aplogise to the dog. But I notice he never apologises back when it’s his turn. 

4. What is the last thing you Googled? 

Myself of course. It’s surprising how much you can learn if you really do the research. 

5. Who is the last person that called or texted you? 

A girl trying to sell me life insurance. I told her I was a writer, so please not to waste her time. I think she put the phone down and had a good cry. 

6. What’s the wallpaper on your phone and/or computer? 

Wallpaper? On my 2,500 rupee Nokia phone? 

7. What was the last awkward situation you were in and how did you handle it? 

A romantic dinner with the wife, and there at the next table was this colourful girlfriend from the past. The restaurant had only five tables so conversation was limited that night. (‘Can you pass the salt?’  ‘Your hair looks good tonight, dear.’) 

8. What is your TV guilty pleasure? 

The series Devious Maids. It’s so bad, it’s actually rather good! 

9. What’s the first CD you bought? 

A blank one from Raheema’s. 

10. And what artist/music are you currently listening to? 

I believe the Sufis who say music can be dangerous. In my case it seriously takes over my mind: I find I cannot be creative when I listen. 

11. What was the last movie that reduced you to tears? 

By the Sea with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. It was so boring I wept. No wonder they ended their marriage immediately after. 

12. Who’s your current celeb crush? 

Pope Francis. He’s my man! 

13. If you were an ice cream flavour, what would it be? 

Dark chocolate and chili ice cream. Hot and black; underneath, surprisingly sweet. 

14. What drives you absolutely crazy? 

Trying to think up witty answers for people like you. 

15. What was your first online screen name? 

Ashok Ferrey of course. 

16. If you could time travel, what period would you choose? 

I would choose yesterday, so I could be the clever d*** who knew everything just before it happened. 

17. What’s your favorite curse word? 

Bu . . er. (No, not Burgher.) 

18. What’s your favourite emoji? 

Huh? 

19. What are you reading right now? 

The final edit of my new book, The Ceaseless Chatter of Demons. It comes out in December. 

20. Craziest dream you’ve seen? 

Oh the usual. I’m hosting some huge black-tie event. I’ve come well prepared, I’ve got my file with all the lines. The hundred spot lights go on and I step up to the podium. The audience gasps. I realize I’m not wearing any clothes. 

21. Favourite perfume? 

I don’t believe in perfumes. So shall we say Lifebuoy? 

22. Craziest piece of advice you’ve ever received? 

Someone once suggested I ease off on the writing and concentrate on the personal training. OK, so maybe they weren’t so crazy after all. 

23. Strangest thing you’ve ever eaten? 

Camel’s liver. Luckily I didn’t know at the time. 

24. What superpower do you wish you had? 

The power to turn to instant ashes all those fancy Pajeros that cut up my poor little Nano on the roads. Or maybe turn the drivers to ashes, let the Pajeros drive on. 

25. Pick one: Kittens or puppies? 

Puppies. 

26. Milo or Nutella? 

Neither. 

27. Beach or up country? 

Beach. 

28. Tea or Coffee? 

Coffee. 

29. Instagram or Snapchat? 

Telephone. (Landline obviously.) 

30. Tell us a secret. 

Once I was stopped by two strange men on the streets of London and offered an all-expenses-paid trip to Rome, to walk in a hair show. (Those days I had very big hair.) I gave them a fake contact number and escaped; I was worried it might involve more than just walking the ramp.