I was thinking of what motivates me to go to work day after day; apart from the official ‘climbing the corporate ladder' shizzle drizzle, interestingly, ranked three on my list is a clean bathroom with make-up room kind of lighting, second is the access to coffee and the ability to make my own, and numero uno is eye candy. 

Before your imagination works overtime, this is not limited to guys I work with at present; rather, this is the summation of 12+ years in the corporate sector. Having nice blokes at work only make your office environment a tad better to balance those snide bitchy types, show me one who pairs navy blue suits with pinstripe shirts, and I will let off steam in my nether regions! 

It fosters a sense of harmony when the guys at work respect your distance, but also crack an odd joke about your widening 'baby-making' hips. There will always be one idiot who pushes his limit. 

I devised a few common categories that we could all relate to – do let me know if you could agree on these Common Corporate Cuties! 

1. Donald Trump 

This is the guy who has twisted political views and opines that he stands for the underdog, but in reality, he is more a terrorist than a patriot. He is more commonly visible just before an election, force-feeding his views to people around him until it comes to a point where people awkwardly agree to make him shut up. Their common watering hole is the office cafeteria, their voice recognizable from a hundred meters away for just as he is stupid, he is loud. Will rarely confront of female or ask them for their political opinions for he dismisses the opposite sex as not being wise enough to contribute to such ‘educated' conversations, whereas females just avoid him and his loud braying. 

2. The Event Manager 

All this guy ever does is organizing parties, trips, or just rounds up people for post-work drinks. He is quite fun until you realize you don’t want to hang out with office people for the seventh weekend running. If you are like me, you tend not to let your hair down in their midst, so it’s not really fun for you. 

3. Malfunctioning McDonald 

He is a sad person who wears white socks, tan shoes, black best, large red striped shirts, paired with a purple and pink dotted tie. I am embarrassed to admit to knowing this, but he has what is known as an ‘Elvis cut' which is unsightly. You are probably thinking that I am a bi*ch for being so judgmental because this may be all he had, but, no, these fashion choices are deliberate and he does in hopes of being ‘in' with the twenty-something-year-olds. 

4. Casper 

This is that amicable bloke who ghosts on you. You could be talking to him over to cubicle wall, you would hear an occasional ‘Hmm’ or ‘Yeah’, but sometimes you say something and five seconds later you lean in to find him missing. You didn’t even hear a squeak in his revolving chair or the door closing – you have never heard his mobile ring and you wonder if he is real. You prod him with a ruler for good measure. 

5. Adonis 

His dress sense is impeccable; his shoes don’t have too much a shine nor does he wear ostentatious belt buckles. He is suave; he is the George Clooney of your office. He doesn’t throw himself at women, but he has a strange power over them that make them salivate and make their belly butterflies flap so hard it could generate power for the over-worked transformers in Sri Lanka. 

He says, ‘How was your weekend?’ with the casual undressing tones that may as well be saying ‘Strip for me. Now’ His commanding authoritative tones make you imagine things, you can't help but emit a low-pitched squeal to discover his e-mails are 99.9% grammatically accurate. 

6. Fifty Shades of Gay 

Insufferably good-looking, perfectly groomed individual who ‘plays for the other team' – doesn't do any wrong to continue wishing, does it? You want his babies; he wants you to stop staring at his groin when you speak to him. Things don’t come easy in life. 

7. Mr. Thinks with his D*ck 

He is the fugly piece of excrement who takes every opportunity to turn everything dirty and makes it awkward for everyone: 

For instance; 

Colleague A: Hey, want a jam sandwich from home? 
Me: <About to respond> 
When Mr. TWHD interrupts: She doesn’t want a jam sandwich; she only wants a big sausage. 

Me printing a report- 

Mr. TWHD: What are you printing? 
Me: A report. 
Mr. TWHD: That’s quite thick, no? You like it like that? 

Mr. TWHD: That’s a really nice skirt. 
Me: Why? 
<He just smiles> 

Oh, and he insists that you don’t use PickMe because he would be willing to drop you anywhere at any time. As for me, I would rather ride a chariot led by the Devil himself. 

8. Shifty Al Capone 

He man-spreads wherever he is and suddenly you notice him jump to a side to *adjust* himself. He could be standing talking to you and does a casual ‘grab and reverse’ thing with his thingy. I always make a mental note to not shake hands with him. 

9. Friendzoner 

He could be a really nice person – you could even date him if you can get past the fact that he drives a sedan and does not have a private plane (Christian Grey, sigh). However, he is not remotely interested in you like that. He is single, but he is every bit polite, gentlemanly, and considerate. You know he isn’t gay – so you begin to wonder if you are THAT unattractive. 

10. The Slave 

My female colleague has a ‘slave’ who has an enormous crush on her – it’s to an extent where he runs her ‘Go to Cargills and get me Panadol’ errands happily. It has its benefits but he just sits waiting for her next command. 

Ten guys for ten causes! Have I missed out on any? In all honestly, as much as I loathe personalities like Mr. TWHD, I can only say this assortment of folk only gives opportune for conversations with BFF. She actually looks forward to the daily WhatsApp update! 
Is this your situation, too? Go ahead and hit the 'share' button to share this with your friends or better yet with a colleague who doesn’t fall into these categories. 

As always, I look forward to the messages and feedback – connect with me on Ms. Confidential on Facebook, Twitter, or Google+ or look out for similar reads on msconfidentialcolombo.blogspot.com. 

By Ms. Confidential